They were never going to give him a Nobel Prize for Buffoonery. The Pulizer committee had told him in no uncertain terms that there wasn’t a category for astonishingly narrow, rakishly worn top hats. And he’d been shut out of the Oscars for years, even though the critics had not condemned his broad portrayal of […]
Continue readingAuthor: Mark A. Rayner
The Skwib: Somewhere in the Heartland
The economic downturn and subsequent collapse of civilized society was not welcome by most people. But for the Pesquahoddy Mustard Gas and Swine Flu Enthusiast’s Club, the collapse had been a panacea. Membership was way up, and their annual soiree, the much-anticipated Gas Masquerade actually turned a profit this year! Membership in The MonkeySphere is […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Belgium, circa 1906
Doctor Hans Christian “Liver-and-Favva-Beans” Malifico standing next to the prototype of his first business mechanical, the famous Red Juggernaut, Mark I (with claw and hook attachment). Though it would be several years before he founded Juggernaut Business Mechanicals (JBM), and at least another decade before the technology was available for his “chainsaw and boom stick […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: The Evils of Commerce
In Sohunglo, Chugoku Prefecture, (just down the road from Hiroshima) the geisha house of Okiya Yumyum made the best of a bad situation by introducing the art of contortion to their young shikomi trainees. No longer would wealthy men have to wait while their geisha tiptoed their way to the gig in their ridiculously restrictive […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: The Tradition Continues
Karl Wangsness had decided to honor his Norwegian heritage by having his own version of a Viking Funeral. The car was an admirable substitution for a longship, and he was able to fit enough food in there to see him through the journey to Valhalla. He’d also managed to procure a canister of Bovril and […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Austria, 1912
Though they outsold the proto-fascist jazz stylings of The Pillage People four-to-one, the Über-Musik Boys never quite managed to make the big time. Even though they started the whole Lederhosen Thrash scene, most of them had to take on menial jobs milking goats and persecuting small animals to make ends meet. Young Adolf, in particular, […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Beach Babes of Vision
Misunderstood Genius Greta “The Fallopian” Webcastico was ahead of her time. Not only was she the finest beach accordionist in the tri-state area, Greta was the first composer to create music designed to be played in counterpoint to the dulcet tones of molting seagulls eager to eat your French Fries. The truth was, Greta was […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Lucinda at the Laundrette of Shattered Hope
Lucinda was a dreamer. Someday, she knew that her Mom would return with the waffle iron and say she was sorry; perhaps even share her delicious recipe for Translucent Liquid Essence of Bran. She watched as Betsy came back to the Launderette of Shattered Hope, carrying a sack full of soiled turnips that she liked […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: E-nnui
Toto the Bio-Sphere Demolition-Bot wondered what it was all about. Did life really mean anything? There had to be more to existence then the senseless destruction of countless inhabited worlds at the bidding of his master, Dorothy Bunny Slippers and her noxious cohort of flying syphilitic space monkeys. Maybe it was time for Toto to […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: The love that dare not speak its name
“Oh Sergei, do you think we’ll ever escape this festering plain, this landscape of ennui and emptiness, so that we can share our love as it was meant to be shared?” “Mmphmh…mghmm…” “What Sergei? I can’t hear you through my containment suit?” “Mgnnnnn! Mgnnnn!” “Oh, I love you too Sergei. Fishheads. We’ll have fishheads! And […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Toulouse Le Grandfig: Catholic school
Jeremy went to a Catholic school, where Sister Mary Trenchbroom taught Civics and Personal Hygiene.
It’s fair to say it scarred him for life.
Alltop has also destroyed many lives. Originally published November, 2008.
The Skwib: The Chair That Sat Back
Mephistopheles relaxed after a good (evil) day’s work. He’d chalked up three witches, a magus, a handful of brick-makers who’d had too much to drink, and Michael Bay. (Boob, explosions and flash-cuts could only get you so far.) The day’s coup had to be snagging the eternal mojo of an untalented, passive-aggressive tenured professor of […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: We have technology backwards
I’m not sure HOW we got this totally backwards, but we have. Technology should serve humanity, not the other way around.
Alltop is an aggregator we all like to work for. Another great one by XKCD.
Continue readingThe Skwib: Ask General Kang: Can you explain how international finances work?
You must have me confused with an economist. Perhaps it is because I have not been allowed to answer any questions on The Skwib for some time (due to an extensive run of drivel produced by that Dadaist wanker, Toulouse Le Grandfig), or perhaps it’s because you’re a typical low-intellect human. In any case, economists […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: René Magritte: Merchant Banker Masters His Mental Powers at Walton-on-the-Naze
While an art historian will tell you this 1964 painting is called “The Son of Man”, and is meant to be a meditation on what is hidden in the visible world, they are of course, hiding the dreadful truth. Since the early days of the 20th century, Britain’s merchant bankers have controlled the world economy […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Ask General Kang: Is it a correction? Please tell me it’s a correction! Should I sell?
Yep, there’s nothing trickier to manipulate than a system based on fear and greed. You humans should consider changing your approach to markets. Back on my home planet, I changed our stock market system to take most of the greed out of it, and increased the amount of fear. How, you ask? Simple. On a […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: The five second rule
It was the best game of zenball ever, and the crowd was wild with excitement: the whisper of butterfly wings was deafening. The Rotrovra Koan Kangaroos had just scored their first all-in kensho, and the Targenville Half-Lotus Lions replied with a double-satori. The Roos launched a full-out dharma walk, but they were unable to penetrate […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Smurf-cutters
Lesley Pratt was a freakin’ evil advertising genius. In his quest to sell soap, he’d turned the shock value of bombing smurfs into a marketer’s wet dream. He’d even coined a term for the new form of advertising: aggressive suasion. (Though they were known as “smurf-cutters” to the Madison Avenue crowd.) And in the course […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: The Marvellous Kindle Giveaway
I’m giving away one Kindle when my mailing list reaches 500! How to Enter: Just join my newsletter, The MonkeySphere, and you’ll be entered in the draw. (Click on the link or fill out the form to the right.) How to Enter Twice & Three Times: Buy Marvellous Hairy (paperback) (Kindle edition) and/or The Amadeus […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: False nostalgia
Summer time is nostalgia time!
Alltop is nostalgic about tomorrow!