Beauty is relative, a photo by True_Bavarian on Flickr. At a certain point in your life, you realize that you are who you are. That isn’t to say that your life won’t change. Of course it will change. So will your personality, but not in big ways. If you’re an introvert, you’re not going to […]
Continue readingAuthor: Mark A. Rayner
The Skwib: Yes, I’m aware of the irony
I’ve always loved Weird Al, and this piece demonstrates his great sense of humor, grasp of the zeitgeist, and his songwriting chops. Stop Forwarding that Crap To Me My only regret is that he didn’t work in a couple of FB and Twitter references, which are surely the new version of this phenomenon. Weird Al […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: The Cybernetic Thought Projection Hat
from the 2037 Hammacher Schlemmer Glaven catalog This hat recalls the iconic headgear worn by the Cognition Brigade during the Second Robotic War. First developed for long distance thought projection, hats of this design were worn by countless Though Soldiers during the war, preferred for its ability to combat the medulla-inhibiting freeze rays of the […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: The Frozen Soylent Green Soft Serve Processor
from the 2037 Hammacher Schlemmer Glaven catalog This is the device that instantly turns Soylent Green and other flavorings into a soft-serve treat. The unit combines frozen Soylent Green and any additional Soylent products you can scavenge and instantly churns the ingredients to produce a treat with the texture of frozen yogurt or soft-serve ice […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: The Thomas Kincaid Pop-Up Christmas Tree and Consumer Happiness Dispenser
(from the 2037 Hammacher Schlemmer Glaven catalog) This is a six-foot Christmas tree that pops up instantly and is pre-decorated with original artwork by renowned holiday artist Thomas Kinkaid, all of which can dispense Viritron’s patented Santa Virus. The tree rises from a flat position in concentric circles to its full thirty-inch width and seventy-six-inch […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: The Laser Equipped Autonomous Robotic Vacuum
(from the 2037 Hammacher Schlemmer Glaven catalog) This is the robotic vacuum that navigates autonomously through your home up to seven times per week, where it can either clean your floors or patrol for intruders. The unit’s specially designed dual, counter-rotating agitator brushes spread carpet fibers and enable the vacuum to remove hair and other […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: The Best Levitation Belt
from the 2037 Hammacher Schlemmer Glaven catalog This levitation belt earned The Best rating from the Hammacher Schlemmer Glaven Institute because it was the easiest to put on and operate while falling from a building. 48 out of 49 of our tests were successful, and only one of our Testing Drones was killed during the […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Early Greek Irony Machine
I always wondered if the Oracle ENJOYED being an irony machine. Based on this, I’d say yes.
Alltop is a funny machine.
The Skwib: Career Day for Jim
School was lame. Adults were lame. Life, itself, was a series of lame events. None more so than Career Day. These were the thoughts of Jim as he walked into the gymnasium for the Beaverbrook High career day. At least he didn’t have to sit through the tedium and ennui of Mr. Leekie’s calculus class, […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Fun, fun, fun
Nudity Probable from the irregulars on Vimeo.
Alltop always walks into a room butt-first.
The Skwib: Dog Threat Level Meter
Dog vocalizations interpreted. Condition Tail Wag Don’t be fooled by the cuteness of this puppy — it might mean trouble. I’ll growl at it just to let it know that I’m watching. Condition Woof Holy crap! A husky! My arch-nemesis, and about as close to a wolf as a dog gets. If it comes closer, […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Technological singularity support
I’m torn on this idea. On one hand, I’d be really happy for my Dad to still be around for the singularity. On the other hand, I’m not happy about the idea of the singularity.
Alltop is biding its time until it takes over.
The Skwib: Pirate Therapy
Laurence arrived a few minutes late for his regular Thursday morning session, but his therapist usually ran late, so he wasn’t worried. From behind the door of his therapist’s office, he heard a blood-curdling scream, and then a thump. A door opened somewhere, and Laurence heard a strange sound, almost as though something heavy was […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: It’s about the eggs
–Woody Allen, Annie Hall (the final voiceover)
Alltop likes its scrambled.
The Skwib: Damn you brain!
Alltop never did anything wrong.
Continue readingThe Skwib: Gather round the radium fire
This is an illustration of what the future might have looked like, circa 1910: The artist has depicted a genteel scene: Claude and Sophie LaFlippé have invited a few friends over to enjoy their brand new radium fire. (It was to be all the rage in the year 2000, according to the deranged artist, Antoine […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: A Robot Regrets
Meeptron the Bio-Destruction Bot looked out at the wasteland that once was Peoria and thought that his work had actually made it look nicer. Of course, he was programmed that way, so he couldn’t really help it. He thought about that little Red Juggernaut he’d met on Robo-Leave that summer. Gloria. Yes, sweet Gloria. She […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Everyone’s a critic
Hank didn’t care that act had won the Most Unconvincing Bear Award six years running. He had been practicing on his flugelhorn, and he was sure that this season would be different. The crowds were going to love the new routine: the breathtaking flugel-glissandos, the ursine feel to the dance, and his hat. God, they […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Taking one for the team
It seemed unlikely that Janet was an “anthrax tester” for the Department of Defense, as she claimed. It just didn’t seem possible that she could snort a gram of weaponized splenic fever each and every hour for weeks on end and not show any effects. (Apart from the tremors, vertigo, muscle twitches & paranoia.) For […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Stiff Upper, and So Forth
“I have London on the line, sir.” “What do they want?” “They’re asking about the penguins.” “The penguins?” “Yes, remember, penguins is the codeword . . .” “For what?!” “You know, sir, the uh, devices . . . the prophylactics. . .” “The prophylactics?! What the hell is that supposed to be?” “Oh, sir, please. […]
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