Everyone keeps giving me shit about my gift to Jesus the Son of God and the Messiah, King of Kings. “Isn’t myrrh basically perfume for mummies?” these ass-clowns keep asking me. “Is that an appropriate gift for a BABY?” Look, first off you have to realize that I planned to
Continue readingAuthor: Mark A. Rayner
The Skwib: Ask General Kang: Do you have Santa Claus on your home planet?
No, we didn’t have Santa Claus when I was growing up. We didn’t have Christmas. Heck, we didn’t even have your primitive paleo-brain concept of religion. We did have the concept of gift-giving, and something we called Consumer Day, when we tried to boost our Neecknabian economy and give gifts.
Continue readingThe Skwib: Charlie Brown: shallow bastard
So Charlie Brown’s troubles are not because he’s a loser, they’re because he’s shallow: He’s in love with a girl because of her looks. He wants to kick a football because his ego won’t let him fail (or learn that Lucy is a sociopathic liar). He is a child, but
Continue readingThe Skwib: Unwanted Christmas Gifts Through the Ages
In 1170, King Henry II says, “What a parcel of fools and dastards have I nourished in my house, and not one of them will avenge me of this one upstart clerk.” Said fools and dastards decide that this means they should kill Archbishop Thomas Becket. In 1600, Queen Elizabeth
Continue readingThe Skwib: Space Lunchbox would be a great name for a band
Sad Spaceman contemplates lunch. Alltop would be a great name for a humor blog aggregator.
Continue readingThe Skwib: Christmas Shoes – Patton Oswalt
It seems like all the lights are up in the neighborhood, so I thought I’d post this hilarious Christmas routine by Patton Oswalt: Click here to view the embedded video. Also here on youtube. Alltop gets cranky at Christmas time too. Originally posted Dec. 2010.
Continue readingThe Skwib: Sad Spaceman doesn’t read Nietzsche
More Sad Spaceman here. Alltop reads Nietzsche. It just doesn’t understand it.
Continue readingThe Skwib: Why Those 25 Things About You Aren’t “Random”
This is one that has been festering for some time, so please forgive the Phrase Freak if he goes “off the Bale” a bit. Like many changes to the English language, the meaning of this word has become twisted. Once, it defined something that was done without a method or
Continue readingThe Skwib: Literary horror stories
But only if the author is very, very lucky. Alltop would like to be turned into a View-a-matic slideshow.
Continue readingThe Skwib: The Tyranny and Creativity of a Word Count
On the other hand, a really specific (short) word limit can force one to be more creative and improve the text. I love the Blaise Pascal quote: “Je n’ai fait celle-ci plus longue que parce que je n’ai pas eu le loisir de la faire plus courte.” In English: “This
Continue readingThe Skwib: Time travel/pop culture mashups with good humor potential
Gilligan is marooned on “Más a Tierra”, later renamed to Robinson Crusoe Island, with Alexander Selkirk, a Scottish castaway who had a low tolerance for bullshit Joey (from Friends) is sent back in time to live with Fourth Earl of Sandwich, while the Earl was still working on his eponymous
Continue readingThe Skwib: Sad Spaceman worries about his tubes
More Sad Spaceman at the website. Alltop is the best humor aggregator on the intertubes.
Continue readingThe Skwib: Ask General Kang: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving on your home world?
No, we have several holidays that are somewhat similar, but essentially we break your celebration into two components. And then we have one “thanksgiving” day which is totally alien to your world. In the late months of the harvest time on Planet Neecknaw, we have a holiday that is probably
Continue readingThe Skwib: Sad Spaceman needs to cut the cord
Alltop just watches youtube all day.
Continue readingThe Skwib: Sad Spaceman regrets breakfast
In case you’re wondering, I’ve started a new Tumblog called Sad Spaceman, and I am stealing things from it. You may get some textual funny later this week. Alltop wouldn’t know textual funny if it was hit in the face with the Oxfjord Dictionary of English Humor.
Continue readingThe Skwib: Sad Spaceman gets philosophical
Alltop is worried about having its files decompressed.
Continue readingThe Skwib: Why your cat sits in the most inconvenient place possible
Of course, it’s recent evolution. Alltop loves sitting on the Internet.
Continue readingThe Skwib: Rejected names for the London Rippers
Sometimes it’s a bit embarrassing, living here in London, Ontario. In the last week, we’ve got the dubious honor of being the first city to forcibly remove the tents of the Occupy protests here in town. (There’s been relatively little outcry.) And now, we’ve got a new baseball team causing
Continue readingThe Skwib: Survivor Jerusalem: Crucifixion Island
There are only nine challengers left. Jeff Probst introduces the day’s challenge: “For today’s reward challenge, I’m going to tell you what you’re competing for first. We’ve divided you into three teams. The winning team will get a sit-down meal at Shecky Joe’s Rib Emporium — ” [groan from two thirds of the contestants] “And […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: The Merchant Banker Awards
Thorsson had a very small but fanatically loyal client base. They especially liked his aggressive stance vis-a-vis derivatives and lopping the heads off of their competition. Alltop enjoys credit-swap de-cranialization. Originally published January 2007. Thanks to Hans S for the skull-splittingly good photo. More of Toulouse Le Grandfig’s work can
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