Canada’s biggest hockey fan is weighing with his take on hockey’s Stanley Cup finals. Cowboy Steve has declared that he backs the Boston Bruins to win Lord Stanley’s silverware. The PM flew to New England and bought last minute tickets from an events b…
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Ontario Tories promise to force manual labour on MPPs if they win election
TORONTO — Ontario could be the first province in Canada to force MPPs to earn their keep by picking up garbage along highways and cleaning graffiti from city walls if the Progressive Conservatives take the reins of power.
Opposition Leader Tim Hudak…
Continue readingPrime Minister welcomes new Tory benchwarmers to Ottawa
Cowboy Steve, once likening “backbenchers” to “benchwarmers” invited several of the party’s newest MPs out for some baseball followed by a trip to a massage parlour.”Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?”
Prime Minister adamant Soudas affair won’t affect campaign
“Canadians don’t give a shit about these kinds of things. They care only about the economy. That and a large double double. And little sour peach candies.”
Continue readingConservatives target ethnic vote
Here’s your chance to be just like one of us! We’re counting on you people! (Nous l’aimons quand vous nettoyez nos maisons. Nous avons besoin de votre voix. Merci.)
Continue readingPrime Minister unveils new promise at leadership debate
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Continue readingPrime Minister: "Debates are for losers"
At a campaign stop today in New Brunswick, Prime Minister Cowboy Steve clarified his stance on a proposed one-on-one debate with Liberal Party leader Michael Ignatieff. The Conservative Party leader told his audience “I don’t believe in debate as a worthwhile forum for presenting ideas and policy. I’d much rather address Canadians during our comprehensive daily question and answer sessions. I was on the debating team at school and I speak from experience. Most people ridiculed us, and we never, ever got laid. Next question, please.”
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Continue readingPrime Minister says coalition is like a sex orgy
“Let me be clear about this: the majority of Canadians are like me. This type of activity is meant to be conducted in private by oneself. Group sex is for losers. And swingers. We’re against any party with more than one participant.”
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Continue readingHudak resigns, joins cast of "Two and a Half Men"
Erstwhile Ontario Tory leader Tim Hudak shocked everyone at today’s Queen’s Park session when he unexpectedly tendered his resignation. Hudak has been tabbed as Charlie Sheen’s replacement on the popular television sitcom “Two and a Half Men”, seen weekly on the CBS network. Provincial Conservatives are left scrambling to name a successor soon, with an election looming later this year.
The show, currently on hiatus, will resume production next month. Hudak will play the new lead character Randy Lichtenfelter, a skirt-chasing small-market weatherman with a dark forboding past. Hijinks and hilarity ensue. Jon Cryer will continue in his role as the pathetic sidekick Alan. His son will now be played by sitcom veteran Norm McDonald. .
A party insider told CTV that Hudak will be replaced on an interim basis by the annoying old man from the TD Canada Trust commercials.
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Continue readingPrime Minister takes ownership of Canadian government
The “Government of Canada” is no more.
Public servants from four different departments have confirmed to The Canadian Press that they received a directive that the words “Government of Canada” in federal communications be replaced with “I’m Cowboy Steve and this is my Oligarchy.”
The minister in charge of the public service, Treasury Board President Stockwell Day, couldn’t understand the fuss.
“If you think you’re on to something that is going to ignite people from coast to coast in a fury of rage, maybe we’ll look at it,” Day told CBC News. “All men strive to have something named after them. We’ve got McCarthyism, the Heimlich manoeuvre and personally I’m trying to get the rights to “Day Time Running Lights”.
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Prime Minister working to get Canadians in Libya home
The Prime Minister today announced a bold new plan to retrieve Canadians remaining abroad in crisis-torn Libya. “The wheels are already in motion” said Cowboy Steve.
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Bev Oda vindicated
Not only was Conservative MP for Durham Bev Oda exonerated of all accusations, she was quickly rewarded with a newly-created cabinet post. There was an announcement from the PMO that Cowboy Steve has named Oda to serve as Canada’s Solicitor of Urban Areas. Oda’s first priority will be to create more jobs in this sector of the economy.
A triumphant Bev Oda reports for work at the corner of Parkdale Avenue and Wellington Street. An assistant said Oda would be working day and night getting the lay of the land.
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Poll says Canadians believe Bev Oda did *not* do anything deceitful, misleading, half-witted, fraudulent, disgraceful or just plain stupid
A poll taken in Ottawa shows Canadians think International Cooperation Minister Bev Oda is *not* guilty of charges by oppostion members in Parliament. A Conservative Party insider said the vast majority of Canadians agree she deserves a break from the vendetta that has dogged her recently. “A limousine trip to the spa would stop her from becoming completely unhinged. It’s not like she padded her expense claims, or something really bad. She has the complete support of Cowboy Steve, who believes she’s *not* a wack job.”
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Continue readingNicholson under pressure to fill prisons
A spokesman for Rob Nicholson said today the Conservative Minister of Justice feels the need to increase the Canadian prison population. “We’ve got plans to bring more and bigger facilities online, and we need the requisite bodies to fill them”, said Bill Calaboose. “The model we’ve adopted is that used in California, where the number incarcerated equals the enrollment in post-secondary education. Canadians tell us there is a lot of unreported crime, and we need more room to house these unreported criminals, who are every bit as dangerous as reported ones.”
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Continue readingConservatives step up pre-election campaign
Cowboy Steve and the ruling Conservatives yesterday started a pre-election mail blitz
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Rob Ford Reveals Subway Alternative
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Continue readingPeter MacKay tightens security on Canada – Egypt border
OTTAWA – In the wake of the recent civil unrest in Egypt, Minister of National Defence Peter MacKay has unveiled strict new security measures on the shared border with Canada. MacKay said he agrees with Prime Minister Cowboy Steve’s view that Egypt pos…
Continue readingPrime Minister marks five years in office
Prime Minister Cowboy Steve marks five years in power as Canada’s big cheese, eclipsing the tenures of long-serving Conservative heavyweights Joe Clark and Kim Campbell. Party faithful gathered to celebrate the occasion, and invited guests joined in the festivities.
Julian Fantino. The boss warned “I know where you live, Kojak”
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Continue readingNewbie MP Fantino named to Conservative cabinet post
Newbie Member of Parliament Julian “Mallcop” Fantino was named to Cowboy Steve’s federal cabinet at Rideau Hall yesterday. The country’s newest MP is now its newest cabinet member, the minister of state for seniors.
Cowboy Steve commented that while …
Continue readingPrime Minister announces appointment of dead NFL announcer to Senate
In Ottawa today, Prime Minister Cowboy Steve named famous football personality Don “Dandy Don” Meredith to a new position in the Canadian Senate. “I am pleased to announce the appointment of Don Meredith to the Senate of Canada,” said Cowboy Steve. “…
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