Prime Minister unveils new promise at leadership debate

“If you don’t vote for me, I will barbecue this cat”

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Prime Minister: "Debates are for losers"

At a campaign stop today in New Brunswick, Prime Minister Cowboy Steve clarified his stance on a proposed one-on-one debate with Liberal Party leader Michael Ignatieff. The Conservative Party leader told his audience “I don’t believe in debate as a worthwhile forum for presenting ideas and policy. I’d much rather address Canadians during our comprehensive daily question and answer sessions. I was on the debating team at school and I speak from experience. Most people ridiculed us, and we never, ever got laid. Next question, please.”

Debating can cause a lifetime of frustration and self-abuse

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Prime Minister says coalition is like a sex orgy

Today the Prime Minister called the coalition “a sex orgy with multiple partners”.  Campaigning in Halifax, Cowboy Steve said he would be firmly against such a public coalition.

“Let me be clear about this: the majority of Canadians are like me. This type of activity is meant to be conducted in private by oneself. Group sex is for losers. And swingers. We’re against any party with more than one participant.”

Staying on the topic of sex, the Prime Minister went on to explain the real reason Belinda Stronach and Helena Guergis were not welcome in the Tory caucus. “Hot looking women have no place in a Conservative government.”

 Prime Minister: “Trust me. The last thing you want to see is a naked Conservative”

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Hudak resigns, joins cast of "Two and a Half Men"

Erstwhile Ontario Tory leader Tim Hudak shocked everyone at today’s Queen’s Park session when he unexpectedly tendered his resignation. Hudak has been tabbed as Charlie Sheen’s replacement on the popular television sitcom “Two and a Half Men”, seen weekly on the CBS network. Provincial Conservatives are left scrambling to name a successor soon, with an election looming later this year.

The show, currently on hiatus, will resume production next month. Hudak will play the new lead character Randy Lichtenfelter, a skirt-chasing small-market weatherman with a dark forboding past. Hijinks and hilarity ensue. Jon Cryer will continue in his role as the pathetic sidekick Alan. His son will now be played by sitcom veteran Norm McDonald. .

A party insider told CTV that Hudak will be replaced on an interim basis by the annoying old man from the TD Canada Trust commercials.

…and that’s a wrap!

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Prime Minister takes ownership of Canadian government

The “Government of Canada” is no more.

Public servants from four different departments have confirmed to The Canadian Press that they received a directive that the words “Government of Canada” in federal communications be replaced with “I’m Cowboy Steve and this is my Oligarchy.”

The minister in charge of the public service, Treasury Board President Stockwell Day, couldn’t understand the fuss.

“If you think you’re on to something that is going to ignite people from coast to coast in a fury of rage, maybe we’ll look at it,” Day told CBC News. “All men strive to have something named after them. We’ve got McCarthyism, the Heimlich manoeuvre and personally I’m trying to get the rights to “Day Time Running Lights”.

New federal government letterhead logo

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Bev Oda vindicated

Not only was Conservative MP for Durham Bev Oda exonerated of all accusations, she was quickly rewarded with a newly-created cabinet post. There was an announcement from the PMO that Cowboy Steve has named Oda to serve as Canada’s Solicitor of Urban Areas. Oda’s first priority will be to create more jobs in this sector of the economy.

A triumphant Bev Oda reports for work at the corner of Parkdale Avenue and Wellington Street. An assistant said Oda would be working day and night getting the lay of the land.
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Poll says Canadians believe Bev Oda did *not* do anything deceitful, misleading, half-witted, fraudulent, disgraceful or just plain stupid

A poll taken in Ottawa shows Canadians think International Cooperation Minister Bev Oda is *not* guilty of charges by oppostion members in Parliament. A Conservative Party insider said the vast majority of Canadians agree she deserves a break from the vendetta that has dogged her recently. “A limousine trip to the spa would stop her from becoming completely unhinged. It’s not like she padded her expense claims, or something really bad. She has the complete support of Cowboy Steve, who believes she’s *not* a wack job.”

Minister Oda is pictured *not* visiting a grow-op in her riding

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Nicholson under pressure to fill prisons

A spokesman for Rob Nicholson said today the Conservative Minister of Justice feels the need to increase the Canadian prison population. “We’ve got plans to bring more and bigger facilities online, and we need the requisite bodies to fill them”, said Bill Calaboose. “The model we’ve adopted is that used in California, where the number incarcerated equals the enrollment in post-secondary education. Canadians tell us there is a lot of unreported crime, and we need more room to house these unreported criminals, who are every bit as dangerous as reported ones.”

Corrections Canada is hoping for a culturally diverse prison population, one that mirrors our progressive society as a whole

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Rob Ford Reveals Subway Alternative

 
Toronto Mayor Rob Ford unveiled his Subway alternative today. According to Ford, the new plan can meet the demands of both the downtown and suburban populations, even during rush hours. “I can personally vouch for the tuna melt on white. Make sure you ask for extra cheese”, added the mayor, a longtime connoisseur of fine fast food.

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Prime Minister marks five years in office

Prime Minister Cowboy Steve marks five years in power as Canada’s big cheese, eclipsing the tenures of long-serving Conservative heavyweights Joe Clark and Kim Campbell. Party faithful gathered to celebrate the occasion, and invited guests joined in the festivities.

 Cowboy Steve was presented with a joke cake by newbie MP 
Julian Fantino. The boss warned “I know where you live, Kojak”

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