Author: Baron von Tollbooth

Prime Minister hits caucus with his rhythm stick

The party faithful thought they were attending another fat white guy Christmas party, but little did they know what was in store. Head Tory Cowboy Steve, backed by a crackerjack punk band he hired earlier in the day, entertained his ministers and staff with a rousing five-song set in Ottawa Wednesday evening.

Steve and the band opened with their cover of ChixdiggiT’s iconic “I Wanna Hump You”, followed by the NoFX favourite “We Threw Gasoline On The Fire And Now We Have Stumps For Arms And No Eyebrows”. Cowboy Steve then paid tribute to John Lennon on the anniversary of the fallen Beatle’s death with a heartfelt rendition of the classic singalong “Revolution 9”.

He closed with his version of the Vegas DeMilo feelgood seasonal number “Sex Toys for Christmas”. Brought back for an encore, the band bid goodnight with Puscifer’s “Drunk With Power”. By all accounts, the enthusiastic crowd went home satisfied.

Party Boy entertains the Conservative Caucus

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Tories tab former Mallcop Fantino as Vaughan byelection candidate

Former mallcop Julian Fantino has been handpicked by the Conservatives to run as the party’s candidate in the upcoming federal byelecton in Vaughan, it was revealed at a press conference this morning. The erstwhile security guard has served as the top cop of the London, Toronto and OPP forces, as well as Cloverdale Mall and the Eglinton Square Shopping Centre.

At the announcement, the former retail security specialist was asked whether he will be allowed to speak freely. “The Prime Minister deals with issues as he sees them,” Mr. Fantino replied. “I know what leadership is all about … It’s about doing whatever the leader says, no matter how unpopular or wacky it seems.” He added that he hoped the Conservative leader shares his strong interest in child pornography.

The former security guard is confident he can wrest Vaughan from the Liberals. “This is another journey. It’s a journey in pursuit of what I call ‘the other journey’, but a journey nonetheless. Just another one.” Mr. Fantino said. He praised Cowboy Steve’s steadfast commitment to law and order. “I’m no homo, but I’ve personally seen the Prime Minister’s cojones, and frankly, let me tell you  they’re quite impressive.”

Mr. Fantino closed the announcement, saying his selection is “a proud moment for rent-a-cops everywhere”. A Conservative Party insider commented “This is so exciting in two ways: We haven’t had a minority candidate since Rahim Jaffer. And he’s a redneck! Yee-Haw!”<div class=”statcounter”><a title=”blogger visitor counter” class=”statcounter” href=”http://www.statcounter.com/blogger/”><img class=”statcounter” src=”http://c.statcounter.com/5554999/0/1562fe85/1/” alt=”blogger visitor counter” /></a></div>

Mr. Fantino’s autobiography Mallcop!  Click to buy
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Canada’s next Governor General

Prime Minister Cowboy Steve surprised many with his choice for Canada’s 36th viceregal. Calling him a man who “represents the best of Canada,” Cowboy Steve on Thursday announced David Johnston will be Canada’s next Governor General.

Johnston, a 67 year-old retired trucker was born in Miramichi, New Brunswick. He attended Louis Riel Elementary School where he graduated from Grade 8.  He has always harboured a desire to earn his high school equivalency certificate, but never quite got around to it. A teacher said she considered Johnston to be “a little bit slow”, making him a good candidate for a career in public service. Johnston is a voracious reader, holding a public library card since 2008.

Like previous Governors General, Johnston has a very good working knowledge of the French language. Childhood friend Terry Kirkpatrick remembers Johnston crossing the border into Quebec Saturday nights to buy cheap suds. “He told us tales of seeing the French peelers at the famous strip clubs in Montreal”, added Kirkpatrick.

Divorced since the age of 52, Johnston has relied on the kindness of strangers, including a Saint John prostitute named Sylvia. It was not clear at press time whether Sylvia would accompany Johnston to Ottawa to live in Rideau Hall.  Little is known of Sylvia, but police in her hometown remember her as “goodhearted” and well behaved since her last breach of probation. She sports several tattoos including the requisite tramp stamp. It is believed she has her own teeth.

Higher ups in the Conservative Party have long valued Johnston’s political experience and savvy. Johnston once wrote a letter to the editor of a local weekly newspaper, and he has voted in every federal election since accidentally spoiling his ballot in 2004.

An intrepid traveler, Johnston has visited three of the four Atlantic provinces, explaining “I were pissed off when they tells me there’s no goddamned bridge to Newfoundland.”  Johnston has taken several trips abroad to New England where he likes to visit native casinos and buy cheap smokes. Johnston follows the educational series Trailer Park Boys with great interest.
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Prime Minister: "Toronto can go screw themselves, but they’ll have to do it somewhere else"

OTTAWA – Prime Minister Cowboy Steve vented his anger with Toronto today on the eve of the G8 and G20 summits. “These are the same bastards who laughed at me in high school, stuffed me into a locker and called me names, like ‘Pencil Neck Geek’. Then they don’t vote for us. Not one goddamned seat! Well guess what. Now they can’t wipe their asses without me and security seeing them. I took their city away from them for weeks.  And they can’t even escape to their little Huntsville cottages, because we’re there too. We moved into their neighbourhood, and they’re paying the freight.”

Cowboy Steve extracts revenge from cool guys
“Remember, I’m watching you wipe your ass”

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Rahim Jaffer implicated in Guergis pregnancy

OTTAWA – At a parliamentary committee hearing, Rahim Jaffer was revealed to be the mastermind behind his wife Helena Guergis’ pregnancy. Jaffer admitted to cooking up the entire scheme when it appeared that no one else would step forward to take responsibility.

A private investigator who was tailing the couple said Jaffer and Guergis were seen leaving local seafood restaurant Busty’s together in the former cabinet minister’s riding of Simcoe-Grey. The investigator found the receipt for the restaurant tryst, which was disclosed at the hearing. The meal consisted of two dozen Malpec oysters, a bucket of Coronas on ice and eight tequila shooters. The couple declined dessert, saying they had to go home and “feed the kitty“.

Committee members promised to have Jaffer back to answer more questions. “We’d like to know more about why they were in such a hurry to leave” added chairperson Guy L’érectile. “Everybody stays for karaoke on Thursdays, and I understand Rahim does a spot-on Marie Osmond.”

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