Congo began his artistic career when he worked with Desmond Morris, anthropologist, TV presenter and writer of such books as The Human Animal, The Naked Ape, and Chimps-r-Us. Initially, Morris gave Congo the paints just to mess with the poor ape’…
Continue readingAuthor: Mark A. Rayner
mark a rayner: Important Poll Here
Cowboy boot sandals! One of the 47 Signs of the Apocalypse? https://t.co/ViUC12yscf https://t.co/UeTmWnBwmy #fads — Mark A. Rayner (@markarayner) April 25, 2016 Naturally, if “yes” comes out on top, then there will be another Sign add…
Continue readingmark a rayner: William Shatner’s Inaugural Address
(After Winning the First Post-Two-Party Presidential Election) Friends, Americans, Countrymen! Lend me your ears. I come to bury our two-party system, not praise it. I stand before you today, not as a conqueror, not as pop icon, but as your President. …
Continue readingmark a rayner: The Transmutation of Gary
Early on in the Transmutation of Gary, there was a problem. Gary didn’t enjoy the idea of being transmuted, though he was open to the idea of transubstantiation. (A non-starter, obviously.) We settled on transmogrification, which didn’t ups…
Continue readingmark a rayner: Early Outbreaks of the Bozo Virus
Following the cataclysm of the Clown Apocalypse, researchers discovered there had been similar plagues throughout the ages. One of the worst outbreaks in history was the Great Buffoon Drive of ’47. Many thought it started with an especially bad o…
Continue readingmark a rayner: Excruciating Album Cover Art – Ignatz Topolino
I include this cover, not because it is awful, but because the story behind this collection of classic jazz nose-harmonica stylings remind me of such an excruciatingly sad story. In the annals of nose harmonica players, Ignatz Topolino is usually the f…
Continue readingmark a rayner: Vanity Thy Name is Robot
By mid-century, all the grumpkins agreed: robots were the shit. Even the most hardened humano-mechanicals were aware their robotic cousins could kick their asses. And the feed stock? Don’t be ridiculous. They were so squishy. So temporary. The on…
Continue readingmark a rayner: Happy Yanksgiving!
Alltop prefers roast opossum. Original photo by Doug Brown via Flickr.
Continue readingmark a rayner: Camusic of the Spheres
The dreams had returned, again, and no amount of coffee and cigarettes could keep their influence at bay. The ennui was crushing at times, and even talking with an outrageous French accent would not help. He thought of his days in the theatre. Oh, the …
Continue readingmark a rayner: Forty-seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#29)
From the Book of Coiffureum And unto the Faithful, a terrible abomination will stalk the land, and there will be a great wailing. Unto the bros there will be a hunger & impatience. Verily, their own hair will not suffice, nor will they wait for it to grow into Fullness, and they
Continue readingmark a rayner: Dr. Tundra Perfects the Whatsit Upgrade
Whatsit 2.0 had been so popular that Dr. Tundra did not waste any time getting started on 3.0. It would be ready by the next quarter. And then there was the new Danglybit PX he was working on. If he could capture the men’s market and the women’s market at
Continue readingmark a rayner: The Ruins — a new flash fiction at the Caesura Letters
I have a new flash fiction up this week at the Caesura Letters called The Ruins. It’s a different kind of piece — a meditation on the nature of Stoicism (though to be fair, it has a dash of existentialism in it.) If you haven’t already checked out the Caesura
Continue readingmark a rayner: The Digital Sabbath, or Why I Never Reply to Your Emails on Saturday
If it’s Saturday and you’re reading this, I am far away from you. That’s because every week, I unplug and celebrate what I call the digital sabbath. I know, I know, it’s kind of blasphemous, but it is the best way to think about the activity of disconnecting from the Internet to
Continue readingmark a rayner: Twitter etiquette
If someone follows you, please, don’t immediately DM them and ask them to friend you on FB now, or buy your book, or watch your hilarious YouTube videos, etc. Imagine you’re at a party, and you’ve just encountered Bob. Bob seems interesting. Bob has a neat beard and a funny t-shirt.
Continue readingmark a rayner: The tyranny of freedom
From Kurt Vonnegut’s Bluebeard, 1987.
Continue readingmark a rayner: After the Clown Apocalypse
Like all pandemics, the Bozo Virus ran its course. For those of us who were immune, we had to watch society go mad with clowning. Some saw the horrors of chainsaw juggling. Others experienced the exquisite madness of of buffoonibalism. We were there to witness the collapse of a global economy, the
Continue readingmark a rayner: Why the 30 Years War lasted so long
It wasn’t just because all the players had such deeply held religious beliefs. It was also because they had a virtual parity in robots and x-wing fighters. Just a little tip of balance, and it would have been over in weeks. Alltop tips the balance towards funny. Excellent photoshoppery by
Continue readingmark a rayner: Gonzo street
One of my guilty pleasures is Jim’ll Paint It — where readers request crazy scenarios and Jim makes them happen through the magic of imagination (and some kind of hallucinogen, I’m guessing.) Alltop loves a good hallaughinogen.
Continue readingmark a rayner: The nature of novelists
A short addendum, filed under who knows: Time-travelling pirates Über-chimp astrologers Ham-fisted hosers Over-emotional AIs Plus this subset of writers: Whisky-swilling scribblers Wine-soaked hacks Beery autobiographers Alltop is a algorithm posting as a humor site.
Continue readingmark a rayner: A post in which I quote Marx
See, there was nothing to worry about, comrades. Alltop is not half-hearted about humor.
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