After the success of Count Chocula, Boo-berry and Frankenberry, cereal executives everywhere were on the look out for new Halloween-themed cereals. Alas, these never made it to market, though the last entry did make it to the packaging design phase. (This happens BEFORE taste testing, I should note.) 10. Candy
Continue readingAuthor: Mark A. Rayner
mark a rayner: The Simianularity
“I swear to God, I never thought the cyborg-monkeys would betray us.” Alltop wouldn’t survive even the robo-bees stage.
Continue readingmark a rayner: The void loves you
The caption is perfect if you imagine it being narrated by Werner Herzog. Herzog continues to read: “The orange sky, like the creeping shadows that threaten to engulf our fictional protagonists, is a visual clue that this never happened beyond the void of imagination.” If this cause a full-on existential
Continue readingmark a rayner: Vintage Coulrophobia
Sugar Krinkles: so you have the energy to run from psychotic clowns! Things that make him extra scary: tiny hat suspiciously perfect teeth he’s wearing someone else’s face he painted it to blend with his face the broken pinkie. Alltop thinks he broke the pinkie in a funny way. (Maybe
Continue readingmark a rayner: What Groundhog Day Means on Alternative Earths
Our Universe: groundhog sees its shadow = 6 more weeks of winter. Foofy Bum Universe: annual celebration of Lord Fuzzy’s victory over the Lizard Horde. Zentropia Universe: day of the year when all rodents are allowed to drive. It’s-in-the-hole! Universe: Bill Murray [praise be his name] emerges from his four-fold slumber
Continue readingmark a rayner: New Fiction: Wormageddon
My latest short story just appeared in The Saturday Evening Post: Less schmaltz-y, WAY more worm-y. You can find Wormageddon here.
Continue readingmark a rayner: He’s My Man: Leonard Cohen
I’m sure most people are still trying to understand Trump’s win, but seriously, they’re missing the meaning of Cohen’s loss. He made the personal epic, but in the right way. Leonard Cohen will be lauded as a songwriter, and a poet, but for me, he was always a consummate storyteller.
Continue readingmark a rayner: Excruciating Album Cover Art — Mr. Bat Sings
“Can’t sleep, clown will eat me.” –Bart Simpson I always used to think one of the silliest phobias was coulrophobia — the fear of clowns — until I saw this album cover. This thing is terrifying. I mean, it just reeks of menace! Mr. Bat is wearing some kind of
Continue readingmark a rayner: The 2nd Monday of October
Meanwhile in Canada … Every year on the second Monday of October, Canadians celebrate the end of the Moose Ascendency. During this dark period of Canadian history, the moose reigned supreme, forcing our provocatively dressed women to worship them, and slaughtering any man who got in their way. Eventually, Canadians
Continue readingmark a rayner: New fiction: The Real Primo
Corvus Review just published a new short story that I’ve been noodling with for some time: The Real Primo. (pp. 59-67) If you’ve ever watched (and enjoyed) Groundhog Day, or read Friedrich Nietzsche’s difficulty concept of the Eternal Return, or have a passing familiarity with the “Eastern” concept of reincarnation,
Continue readingmark a rayner: Alexandra Leaving – a short history
This song is based on a poem by the Greek poet, Constantine P. Cavafy. His source material was a story from Plutarch about Mark Anthony, as he watched his allies and supporters leave Alexandra before his enemy Octavian attacked the city. The original poem is called “The god forsakes Antony,” and is a meditation on the […]
Continue readingmark a rayner: Crazy like a fox
Reagan did a lot of this during the Reykjavík Summit with Gorbachev, but it was part of his strategy. He was TRYING to make Gorby and the Russians think he was a maniac. Hell, maybe he would launch the nukes — he was that crazy. Though this did …
Continue readingmark a rayner: The side benefits of coulrophobia
Alltop is afraid of skin tanner. Chart by Indexed.
Continue readingmark a rayner: Furious George
Angry monkey with a chaingun. I’ve been there. Alltop would never give a weapon to a lower primate. From Otipess.
Continue readingmark a rayner: The 14 people you need to help you decide if you should publish or not
There are three things that I love about this: they are tremendous and witty words of wisdom from Mark Twain. it is narrated by John Lithgow, who’s voice alone makes me laugh. the sleeping man scares me, and reminds me to be entertaining, as he s…
Continue readingmark a rayner: The Procedure
Grounding the team had been difficult, but not impossible. Dr. Hansrik assured them there would be no danger, once the patient was unconscious. Prior to sedation, the patient was capable of anything. (Just ask the good folk of Peoria, Illinois, who&#…
Continue readingmark a rayner: New Fiction: Empty Space Times Two
This piece is probably the most straight-up sentimental thing I’ve ever written, but I’m quite chuffed to join the ranks of the writers who have been published by The Saturday Evening Post. (That includes, you guessed it, my literary hero, …
Continue readingmark a rayner: Forty-seven Signs of the Apocalypse (#28)
From the Book of Unpardonable Footwear: And so it was that Amos, the Most Holy Prophet of in the Reign of Uzziah, said unto the Chosen: “A time comes when there shall be a confluence of Sandals and Stogies.” Yet the Chosen knew not of St…
Continue readingmark a rayner: Twitterpocalypse
Writer’s note: Most of the Twitter handles are invented. And if the reverse chronology is a problem, you may prefer to start this short story at the beginning, but I recommend starting here: LandingPartyONE Displeased we did not demolish Twitter …
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