mark a rayner: Rejected Halloween-Themed Cereals

After the success of Count Chocula, Boo-berry and Frankenberry, cereal executives everywhere were on the look out for new Halloween-themed cereals. Alas, these never made it to market, though the last entry did make it to the packaging design phase. (This happens BEFORE taste testing, I should note.) 10. Candy Corn Pops 9. Werewolf Balls ...

mark a rayner: Excruciating Album Cover Art — Mr. Bat Sings

“Can’t sleep, clown will eat me.” –Bart Simpson I always used to think one of the silliest phobias was coulrophobia — the fear of clowns — until I saw this album cover. This thing is terrifying. I mean, it just reeks of menace! Mr. Bat is wearing some kind of traditional Pagliacci-type of outfit, and ...

mark a rayner: The side benefits of coulrophobia

Alltop is afraid of skin tanner. Chart by Indexed.

mark a rayner: The Infographic Explained

mark a rayner: Twitterpocalypse

Writer’s note: Most of the Twitter handles are invented. And if the reverse chronology is a problem, you may prefer to start this short story at the beginning, but I recommend starting here: LandingPartyONE Displeased we did not demolish Twitter servers instead of using them. Activate sterilization protocol. less than 5 seconds ago from TweeterProbe ...

mark a rayner: William Shatner’s Inaugural Address

(After Winning the First Post-Two-Party Presidential Election) Friends, Americans, Countrymen! Lend me your ears. I come to bury our two-party system, not praise it. I stand before you today, not as a conqueror, not as pop icon, but as your President. An American president. Now, what I say next is not said with malice, but ...

mark a rayner: Vanity Thy Name is Robot

By mid-century, all the grumpkins agreed: robots were the shit. Even the most hardened humano-mechanicals were aware their robotic cousins could kick their asses. And the feed stock? Don’t be ridiculous. They were so squishy. So temporary. The only reason the snarko-collective allowed the progenitor biological intelligences to survive was simple. Even after they became ...

mark a rayner: Twitter etiquette

If someone follows you, please, don’t immediately DM them and ask them to friend you on FB now, or buy your book, or watch your hilarious YouTube videos, etc. Imagine you’re at a party, and you’ve just encountered Bob. Bob seems interesting. Bob has a neat beard and a funny t-shirt. So you start a conversation. ...

mark a rayner: Gonzo street

One of my guilty pleasures is Jim’ll Paint It — where readers request crazy scenarios and Jim makes them happen through the magic of imagination (and some kind of hallucinogen, I’m guessing.) Alltop loves a good hallaughinogen.

mark a rayner: A post in which I quote Marx

See, there was nothing to worry about, comrades. Alltop is not half-hearted about humor.

mark a rayner: Keyboard Shortcuts for Novelists

  Or you could just mash the keys together in a fit of anxious rage and see what happens? Alltop gets funny whenever you hit alt + f. H/T to Corey Redekop. Genius cartoon by Tom Gauld.

mark a rayner: Fahrenheit 1600

The Amazon servers take even more heating… Alltop is hot for the funny. Cartoon via Hungry for Knowledge.

mark a rayner: Fiction: At the GruntWerx Board of Directors Meeting

mark a rayner: Did I Miss Anything?

Question frequently asked by students after missing a class by Tom Wayman The Astonishing Weight of the Dead. Vancouver: Polestar, 1994. Nothing. When we realized you weren’t here we sat with our hands folded on our desks in silence, for the full two hours Everything. I gave an exam worth 40 per cent of the grade ...

mark a rayner: Anxious Queue

At the Skywalker Ranch, there was always a long lineup for the Princess Leia Ride, even when Stacy and her “Umbrella of Truth” was working it. Alltop would never tell a lie. Cloud City Garrison – The Portrait Sessions, originally uploaded by LukeOlsen.

mark a rayner: Are you a famous writer yet?

This flowchart may help you answer this “important” question: Alltop is a famous humor aggregator. Flowchart by electric literature

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Why do lit-ah-rary types look down on SF

So what is it about science fiction that causes “literary” types to look down upon it? Like any genre, SF has its bad and good. No scratch that, like any writing, there is both bad and good. I’ve read plenty … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Film History 2035E: Yer Whippin’ It, Pilgrim: Critical Analysis of Devonic Headgear in Classic Hollywood Westerns

2 baffling lecture hours and a 1-hour tutorial in which your TA will try to make sense of it all This course will examine, through critical analysis of the films of Ford, Sturges, Peckinpah and Whoopzingo, the counter-temporal influences of … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Great Canadian TV Trivia – The Littlest Hobo

The Littlest Hobo original cast and theme song did not test especially well. There’s a voice that keeps on calling me Down the road is where I’ll always be Every stop I make, I’ll make a new friend Can’t stay … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Chariot of the Gords

As we all know, Canada is replete with Gords. Per capita, the “Great White North,” as it is known to hosers, carpetbaggers and avuncular entomographers everywhere, has the highest density of Gords of any country in the known surface world. … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: If my foreign policy is a failure, do I have to admit it?

Hell no! If you can’t blame the failures of your policy on some flunky (or opposition party, if you’re unlucky enough to be ruling in a “democracy”) then what kind of leader are you? The best option is to say … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Do you think we should ban tasers?

I believe that tasers are a barbaric technology. Not only are tasers an excruciating way to kill people, it seems to me that you should be using some kind of non-lethal stunning weapon. A taser is supposed to be a … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: I’d like to increase the number of surveillance cameras in my city, but I’m having trouble getting my council to agree. Any advice for a mayor with ambitions?

Surveillance cameras are a must for any would-be intergalactic overlord, which I assume is your ultimate goal. (Just as an aside, mayor is not the best platform to launch such a career, but you can manage it, particularly if you … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: A romance for the ages

It began simply. He was out on his morning rampage when he crashed through the front gates of SeaWorld. She was doing the 10 am show, trying to keep her spirits up while simultaneously pleasing her human masters and keeping … Continue reading →

mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Yes, time travellers are idiots

Besides, killing Hitler is such a 1st year in the time-travel academy thing to do. Alltop is a great way to kill time.