mark a rayner: Rejected Halloween-Themed Cereals

After the success of Count Chocula, Boo-berry and Frankenberry, cereal executives everywhere were on the look out for new Halloween-themed cereals. Alas, these never made it to market, though the last entry did make it to the packaging design phase. (This happens BEFORE taste testing, I should note.) 10. Candy Corn Pops 9. Werewolf Balls ...

mark a rayner: The Simianularity

“I swear to God, I never thought the cyborg-monkeys would betray us.” Alltop wouldn’t survive even the robo-bees stage.

mark a rayner: The void loves you

The caption is perfect if you imagine it being narrated by Werner Herzog. Herzog continues to read: “The orange sky, like the creeping shadows that threaten to engulf our fictional protagonists, is a visual clue that this never happened beyond the void of imagination.” If this cause a full-on existential crisis, watch Herzog talk about ...

mark a rayner: Vintage Coulrophobia

Sugar Krinkles: so you have the energy to run from psychotic clowns! Things that make him extra scary: tiny hat suspiciously perfect teeth he’s wearing someone else’s face he painted it to blend with his face the broken pinkie. Alltop thinks he broke the pinkie in a funny way. (Maybe ripping off that face?) Get ...

mark a rayner: Excruciating Album Cover Art — Mr. Bat Sings

“Can’t sleep, clown will eat me.” –Bart Simpson I always used to think one of the silliest phobias was coulrophobia — the fear of clowns — until I saw this album cover. This thing is terrifying. I mean, it just reeks of menace! Mr. Bat is wearing some kind of traditional Pagliacci-type of outfit, and ...

mark a rayner: Alexandra Leaving – a short history

This song is based on a poem by the Greek poet, Constantine P. Cavafy. His source material was a story from Plutarch about Mark Anthony, as he watched his allies and supporters leave Alexandra before his enemy Octavian attacked the city. The original poem is called “The god forsakes Antony,” and is a meditation on the ...

mark a rayner: Crazy like a fox

Reagan did a lot of this during the Reykjavík Summit with Gorbachev, but it was part of his strategy. He was TRYING to make Gorby and the Russians think he was a maniac. Hell, maybe he would launch the nukes — he was that crazy. Though this did cause a breakdown of the talks at ...

mark a rayner: Furious George

Angry monkey with a chaingun. I’ve been there. Alltop would never give a weapon to a lower primate. From Otipess.

mark a rayner: The Infographic Explained

mark a rayner: Happy Canada Day

mark a rayner: Twitterpocalypse

Writer’s note: Most of the Twitter handles are invented. And if the reverse chronology is a problem, you may prefer to start this short story at the beginning, but I recommend starting here: LandingPartyONE Displeased we did not demolish Twitter servers instead of using them. Activate sterilization protocol. less than 5 seconds ago from TweeterProbe ...

mark a rayner: Congo: a chimp, an artist, a cautionary tale

Congo began his artistic career when he worked with Desmond Morris, anthropologist, TV presenter and writer of such books as The Human Animal, The Naked Ape, and Chimps-r-Us. Initially, Morris gave Congo the paints just to mess with the poor ape’s head, but after a couple of years, Congo got the hang of it, and ...

mark a rayner: Excruciating Album Cover Art – Ignatz Topolino

I include this cover, not because it is awful, but because the story behind this collection of classic jazz nose-harmonica stylings remind me of such an excruciatingly sad story. In the annals of nose harmonica players, Ignatz Topolino is usually the first entry. He was a genius. Grown men would weep at his rendition of ...

mark a rayner: Happy Yanksgiving!

Alltop prefers roast opossum. Original photo by Doug Brown via Flickr.

mark a rayner: Gonzo street

One of my guilty pleasures is Jim’ll Paint It — where readers request crazy scenarios and Jim makes them happen through the magic of imagination (and some kind of hallucinogen, I’m guessing.) Alltop loves a good hallaughinogen.

mark a rayner: The nature of novelists

A short addendum, filed under who knows: Time-travelling pirates Über-chimp astrologers Ham-fisted hosers Over-emotional AIs Plus this subset of writers: Whisky-swilling scribblers Wine-soaked hacks Beery autobiographers Alltop is a algorithm posting as a humor site.

mark a rayner: You tell ’em Kurt

I post this quote for no particular reason. It’s from his collection, Wampeters, Foma, and Granfalloons. Alltop has some insanely fun links.

mark a rayner: Keyboard Shortcuts for Novelists

  Or you could just mash the keys together in a fit of anxious rage and see what happens? Alltop gets funny whenever you hit alt + f. H/T to Corey Redekop. Genius cartoon by Tom Gauld.

mark a rayner: The unexpected benefits of climate change

Sure, half of Western Canada was on fire, polar bears were evolving into full amphibians, and the bee population was fucked, but there were some side benefits to global warming. As the earth heated, cloud watchers were in for some exciting times. Generally speaking, there were fewer clouds to watch, but when there were clouds, boy-howdy were ...

mark a rayner: Fahrenheit 1600

The Amazon servers take even more heating… Alltop is hot for the funny. Cartoon via Hungry for Knowledge.

mark a rayner: Did I Miss Anything?

Question frequently asked by students after missing a class by Tom Wayman The Astonishing Weight of the Dead. Vancouver: Polestar, 1994. Nothing. When we realized you weren’t here we sat with our hands folded on our desks in silence, for the full two hours Everything. I gave an exam worth 40 per cent of the grade ...

mark a rayner: The clowns die first

Something you probably didn’t know about the technological singularity: all the clowns die first. Alltop will have to choose a side when the time comes. Painting by Mike Wellins. Interesting stuff: he takes old landscapes and stuff and then adds SF tropes to them. More here. h/t

mark a rayner: Doug the neurotic invents a corollary on his daily commute

Okay, I’ll admit it. I’m freaking out. I ate at Wendy’s last night, and then I’m reading the paper today — yeah, like I do everyday on the bus — and so I’m reading the paper, and what do I see? Bird Flu! There was another breakout of bird flu in a freakin’ chicken farm ...

mark a rayner: Reservoir Clowns

I’m sure Quentin Tarantino isn’t thinking of a remake, but if he did this, it would be TERRIFYING. Alltop is the Harlequin of humor aggregators. Photo by drewlevy

mark a rayner: Quote: Vonnegut on reviewers

Originally appears in “The War Between Writers and Reviewers,” by Thomas Flemming in the NYT, 1985. Alltop loves a good bad review.