Wrap rage, for all my readers who are unfamiliar with the phenomenon, is the rising anger and dementia that you feel when you are unable to open the shiny new thing you have just purchased with your hard-earned cash. CDs … Continue reading →
Continue readingTag: Ask General Kang
mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: What is the penalty for plagiarism on your planet?
Plagiarism is the “act of stealing the ideas and/or expression of another and representing them as your own,” though I can’t remember where I got that quote from — just Google it for the source. On my home planet of … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: As a world-conquering potentate, what is your policy regarding instant gratification?
Well, I’m totally against it. From what I can see there is too much instant gratification happening here on Terra; and this is at least some part of the reason why I am conquering this world soon. I’m a fan … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: How was your technological singularity?
That is a revealing assumption, my good human buddy. What makes you think there was a technological singularity on my home planet of Neecknaw? Well, doesn’t every advanced technological society go through one? Not if they don’t want the Rea…
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: What’s the best method for electing your leader?
Ah, not this again! You humans and your obsession with “elections” and “democracy.” It’s an illusion, just like free will. You’ve already decided who you’re going to vote for, and no amount of “though process” is going to change your …
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: How do you celebrate Halloween on your home planet?
Why would you think that we even have the same ridiculous pagan rituals on the great and glorious planet of Neecknaw? I mean, it’s insulting! We’re not some backwards little planet, sitting safely away from the hustle and bustle of … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: How do I make myself look attractive on a dating site?
Your human mating rituals are really quite amusing. Dating sites are so passé on my homeworld of Neecknaw. Instead of dating sites, we have two bi-weekly “Gathering of the Gonads” in which our eligible primates are displayed in natural habitats— … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: How do I keep my two-year-old son from killing his mother (my wife)?
First off, you probably need to untie her and let her run away from the frisky little tyke. Oh and stop giving him knives to play with. By the way, you know you’re ripping off “Stewie” from The Family Guy? … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: The Home Edition
The walls of my house are bleeding, and I keep finding an ax next to my bed when I wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of bells. Do you have any idea what color I … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: I have a hot date tonight — should I wear boxers or briefs?
The General can tell you’re a guy. Only a human male would frame the question in such a crass way. What you’re asking, essentially, is how you should prepare yourself for having sexual congress with this hypothetical human female. In … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: How do you choose a new leader?
Well, on my home planet of Neecknaw, this is a simple affair. The new leader chooses himself. Or herself. But we haven’t had a female leader since the Gloomy Ages (the interstitial period between the Dark Ages and the Time … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Would you ever consider running for public office?
Your politicians disgust me. They pander to the lowest common denominator. They lie. They’re corrupt. They are vile, low creatures, worse than a Tregladian Bladder Beast, or even that fuzzy purple stuff you see growing all over dead things on … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: A long question…
Dear General Kang: My apologies for this really long question, but there is an old phrase that I’m not sure of the beginning. It goes something like: 1. With a lick and a promise. 2. A lick and a promise. … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Do you have a profile on Facebook?
Absolutely! You can’t take over a planet without a few friends. I like the way that Facebook allows me to be connected the minutia of my friends’ lives. This is why I’m so fond of the “status update,” which allows … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Did you have the Olympics on your home world?
That is a ridiculous question! I come from another planet, deep in another galaxy, on which the dominant lifeforms have evolved along a completely different track from you humans. What are the odds that we would have a celebration of … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Apparently, only one in four people read a book last year — how can we improve that figure?
I’d start by disabling the publishing industry in some way — perhaps an elite cadre of pulp-loving squirrels armed with plasma-shredders and capable of firing book worms out of their mouths? Or perhaps you could change the tax laws so … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: I’ve just started high school, and I wonder, how I can improve my self-esteem?
Some researchers will tell you that self-esteem is heavily influenced by things you will have no control over, such as your looks, and how “cool” you are seen to be by your peers. And popularity too. Now, if I’d let … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: What is the best approach of making first contact with a race that thinks of your species as food?
This is one of the first sensible questions people have asked me on this column. Most of your questions are about petty human concerns such as getting a mate, and what kind of loofah should you use. Thank you! You’re … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: How do you deal with procrastination?
Severely. On Planet Neecknaw, the original lifespan of the average Neecknabian was similar to the average for your chimpanzees, 40-45 years or so. Is that on a diet of bananas or not? You make any more banana jokes and you’ll … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: What is the right amount of blogging?
Frankly, none. But never bite the hand that feeds you I say, particularly when it feeds you ripe fruit and vegemite sandwiches. This rule applies doubly for evil galactic overlords between gigs. (And yes, the first continent to be occupied … Continue reading →
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