I would never pardon a follower if they did ME wrong, but if they made a “mistake” and were then penalized by the legal community, I might decide to save them from doing prison time — particularly if they’re a … Continue reading →
Continue readingTag: Ask General Kang
mark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: What should you do if you discover your leader is a hypocrite?
First of all, don’t be surprised. Then, I suppose it depends a little what kind of hypocrite. For example, if you are talking about a leader of a church — let’s say for the sake of argument, an evangelical church … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: How do you deal with bad drivers?
The first thing you have to realize is that I’ve only been subject to the idiocy of my fellow car-jockeys since my arrival on Earth. (Car-jockey is the right term, isn’t it?) Anyway. Back on my home world, we über-chimps … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: What do you do when your planet runs out of resources?
What do I do? Shouldn’t you be asking what will you do? What I do is charge up the power cells in my Interstellar Ape-arda, fill the ships with hordes of über-chimps hungry for adventure and loot, and set course … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: I believe my boyfriend is an alien. Do you think I should move in with him?
I guess it all depends on what kind of alien. If he’s like one of those friendly nice aliens — say Jeff Bridges in Starman — then I’d say go right ahead. On the other hand, if he is like … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Can I Be More Charismatic?
Absolutely, it is easy for you to be more charismatic, though you will never be as appealing as I am. According to Professor Richard Wiseman (I’m not sure what he’s a professor of, but he’s British and his last name … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: I may have inadvertently started an intergalactic war with the Bleugzag Imperium. Do you think this might be held against me when I apply for college?
Wow, good on ya! I’d hold this against you if you DIDN’T report it on your application. Starting an intergalactic war takes a great deal of organization, planning, and above all, unbridled enthusiasm. (Though that can get you into all … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: How much time should I be spending on Social Media every day?
None. Next question. No, seriously, what is the right amount? It depends. Do you have other things to do? Like, I don’t know, a job? Let’s assume yes, and let’s assume it’s about eight hours a day. Okay, so that … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Why don’t you ever mention robots?
Oh, you silly humans and your fascination with robots! And I don’t mean the kind of useful robots that actually exist, like the ones in factories. I assume that by “robot”, you’re interested in the sentient “danger Will Robinson, danger!” … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: How did you deal with climate change on your planet?
An interesting question. Because my planet is so far advanced of yours, we experienced our major climate changes about a millennia ago. Like you are currently experiencing, on Neecknaw we discovered that our oil and coal-based economy increased the carbon … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: I’ve heard that one of the first things women check out is your footwear. What if I wear sandals?
Wow, this is a tough one. First of all, I don’t put anything on my feet, so I’m not really sure what this “footwear” concept is all about. (Don’t be fooled by my picture, those boots were added with Photoshop.) … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Do you celebrate April Fool’s Day on your planet?
I invite you to consider the staggering odds that you and I speak the same language. I, a superior species from a far-distant galaxy, and you, a glabrous hominid of no real worth, somehow share the glorious language of my … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: I really don’t understand quantum mechanics — is there any hope for my marriage? Also I’m pretty sure my wife is cheating on me with a vampire.
I think your marriage is safe, as long as you can do two things. First of all, you HAVE to wrap your head around Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle. Here’s the easy way to understand it: basically, the simultaneous determination of both … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Did I miss anything important in class yesterday?
How the hell would I know? I don’t even know what kind of class you’re taking! I do have a couple of ideas, though, if you should be worried about the class you missed yesterday, which I think is what … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: When is it okay to call someone to a Nazi?
I suppose it’s not a problem if the person is a Nazi, but I can’t think of a lot of other circumstances where it would be helpful. Presumably, you’re doing so to damage their reputation in some way, but consider … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: Is there anything wrong with using the word ‘sartorial’?
You probably get a lot of funny looks when you employ that adjective. Some of the looks are from borderline homophobes, who believe that you’d have to be a little too effeminate to be interested in men’s clothing. You can … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: How do you beat high gas prices?
I have never owned one of your quaint “internal combustion engine” vehicles, so I have not had to worry about the high price of gas, but I have been getting nailed on the cost of most foods appropriate for the … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: What kind of drug policies do you have on your home world?
Interesting question, no doubt prompted by the recent vote for the decriminalizing of marijuana possession in Washington. Given the bloodthirsty nature of my intergalactic conquests, you will be surprised to learn that we do not have any prohibitions against selling, … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: I’ve just spilled really hot coffee in my lap — is this what they mean by "global warming"?
Most of the scientific community and a large number of other thinking hominids believe global warming to be an observed increase in the average temperature of the Earth’s atmosphere and oceans in recent decades. Most of those people accept that … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Ask General Kang: How do I keep my New Year’s resolutions?
We had a similar custom on my homeworld, Neecknaw, but there we called them Slorg Wishes. Slorg was once the Overlord of our planet, back in the Taupe Ages — he was known colloquially as the Beige Lord, but he … Continue reading →
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