[In the style of the Harper’s (no relation) Findings column. Links on request.]
Employment in Canada is down, job quality is decreasing, and profits have taken a downturn as well. Prime Minister Stephen Harper declares his critics to be “enemies of the people of Canada.” His Minister of the Environment warns of dangerous “foreign influences.” Opposition MPs are called traitors. Public service workers are accused of sabotage. An advocate for Aboriginal children is tailed by government operatives.
Oil from the Alberta tar sands is rebranded “ethical.” The oilpatch is sold piece by piece to China. record number of deformed fish are found just downstream. Canada will continue to export cancer-causing asbestos, while banning it at home.
The Ministry of Science and Technology is a creationist. The Minister of Justice avows that policy will not be determined by statistics. The Minister of Industry announces that statistics will not be gathered. The Prime Minister declares that statistics will not be kept. The government is opening an Office of Religious Freedom.
Crime continues to decrease. Corrections Canada will increase its staffing levels to cope with an expected influx of new prisoners. The RCMP shields the Prime Minister from questions and throws opponents out of Conservative Party political rallies. It is now under the direct control of the Prime Minister’s Office. Harper hires a convicted fraudster as a senior advisor. Four RCMP officers kill an immigrant with repeated taser blasts and are charged with perjury. Over one thousand innocent Canadian citizens are arrested at G20 protests in Toronto. Police tear off a man’s prosthetic leg and order him to hop to a waiting police van.
The Conservatives lose badly in Quebec in the 2011 federal election. Harper appoints a unilingual Auditor-General and a unilingual Supreme Court Justice. He orders the removal of two paintings by a popular Quebec artist from the Foreign Affairs building. He replaces them with a portrait of the Queen.
Full parliamentary debate is no longer permitted. Committees are increasingly closed to journalists. Independent watchdogs are fired or hobbled. Appointees to sensitive positions are found to bully their staff and prevent their agencies from functioning. An expensive government agency is set up with no mandate. A government Minister diverts funds for border security to his own riding, building a gazebo and raising a chandelier.