Crappy weekend, everyone! And welcome to Drunken Bull Sessions and Hung-Over Kaffeeklatsches of the Rich and Infamous in beautiful St. Moritz, Switzerland.
Well, how about them Bilderbergers, everyone? Aren’t they just the loveliest bunch of fucking elitists you ever saw looking for sneaky ways to undermine democracy and the popular will, and to keep the media from holding them accountable? I wouldn’t call their yearly foregatherings a conspiracy exactly, since no one knows what, if any, of their bulling has actually been implemented in the real world (and I doubt very much that the real world would let any of their schemes come to its desired end). But damn, is their early history ever damning. Like Bretton Woods bankers, they are neoliberal, biased in favor of the US, big business and big money; they’ve been around for over half a century, and in all that time, I’ll wager that not a single one of them has done this world a lick of good. That much should be obvious just by the way they do business: These meetings are secretive, the agenda and minutes are not published, and no one is ever held accountable. The worst thing that can happen to a Bilderberger is that s/he won’t be invited back. That’s all!
Secretive conferences are no way to do the world’s business, no matter who attends them or to what purpose. Isn’t it time these people were stripped of their power and influence, ALL of them? Best thing to do is publish the lists of known attendees, and then follow those attendees’ every move in the year to come, and at the first sign of any activity to undermine democracy, bring their activities to light with a relentless clamor, and get out the pitchforks, tar and feathers. Yeah, I know: What a dream! Who from the media would like to make it come true? Show of hands?
Thought so.
But enough about the fucking elitists. I promised you wankers, and it is wankers you shall have. And, by Bog, there’s never any shortage of them. Unlike the Bilderbuggers, who do their world-sodomizing in secret, these fuckers are out in the open now. So here they come, in no particular order…
1. Tom Fucking MacMaster. How embarrassing is it to learn that after an intense campaign taken up by none other than Avaaz.org, on behalf of a supposed lesbian blogger in Syria, the “Gay Girl in Damascus” doesn’t exist? That “she” is the brainchild of a straight white male Yank in Edinburgh, Scotland? Plenty embarrassing for me, since I signed that petition like any good Avaaz-er, believing the story to be real and only wanting to help a stranger in distress. Way to undermine one of the world’s leading social-justice petition sites, Tom! (And way to undermine real queer Syrians, too.) Oh, and while we were all chasing our tails over this, guess how many real Syrians (gay or straight, bloggers or not) were killed in violent crackdowns against their free-speech activities and “Arab Spring” protests. Anyone? We don’t know, because no one said boo about them. That’s the most humiliating part of all. Next time you need an ego-boost and a chance to flex your fiction muscles, just write a novel, already.
2. Krista Fucking Erickson. Good thing for her that fewer than 10,000 people are watching SunTV “News” (basically, FUX Snooze North) right now, or there might be more witnesses to the self-immolation of a so-called journalist on the altar of arts-bashing. Krista wanted to smear the great Canadian dance icon, Margie Gillis, and ended up pie-ing herself in the face. At this rate, SunTV will be known as “the station where bad hacks go to die”. PS: Margie has some good suggestions on how to fight back. Yes, we CAN!
3. Frank Fucking D’Amico. D’Amico, D’Amico…say, that sounds kind of Italian! Which would mean that he comes from immigrant stock, wouldn’t you say? And isn’t it ironic, therefore, that this Catholic school board trustee should be such an anal-retentive asshat about…drumroll please…IMMIGRANTS? Since when is it a school trustee’s job to demand an immigrant’s puppy papers, anyway? Actually, since NEVER. And in fact, the anal-retentive asshat is in violation of his own board’s stated position on undocumented immigrant students, to boot. Speaking of boots…isn’t Italy shaped like one, and shouldn’t the Toronto Catholic school board give him one? I would, in their shoes.
4. David Fucking Mamet. I always knew there was something seriously hinky about him. His misogyny always was rather blatant. He says he is “no longer a brain-dead liberal”? Well, bully for him: He is now a brain-dead conservative. And what’s this about an infatuation with Sarah Fucking Palin, she of the bogus Paul Revere who “warned” the British? Is he nuts? Tell me why this overrated fool or his “art” any longer deserves to be taken seriously by anyone. I clocked out on him about the time the slut-shaming Oleanna made headlines. Time for the rest of the world to do the same.
5. Carlos Fucking Hernández. The mayor of Hialeah, Florida, decided that on Tuesday (the US’s Flag Day) he would declare “Luis Posada Carriles Day” in his city, and give Latin America’s equivalent of Osama bin Laden the keys to the joint. Guess the War on Terror really IS over, if they decide to come right out and honor fascist terrorists (employed, trained and equipped by the CIA, same as Osama) in the environs of Miami. Or maybe a sense of shame just doesn’t exist in the state shaped like a giant, flaccid penis. Either way, it’s a fucking disgrace. PS: Special bitchslaps to El Fucking Nuevo Herald for wussily failing to report on this shitty development. What’s the matter, afraid of an outcry en español?
6. Chris Fucking Cuomo. If you pay “licensing fees” to so-called journalistic sources (read: opportunistic, self-prostituted asswipes), you have no business complaining about corruption in journalism. And if you want to fight corruption in journalism, DON’T PAY A CENT FOR STUPID FUCKING SELF-TAKEN PORN PICTURES THAT DON’T FUCKING TELL THE STORY ANYWAY. Especially not when the story is as something as lame and irrelevant as the non-scandal otherwise known as Weinergate.
7. Mitt Fucking Romney. No, he is NOT presidential material, either. Pretending to have been grabbed on the ass during a photo-op with some waitresses in a greasy-spoon diner? Not only is that shit lame and unfunny, it could have gotten an innocent person fired. Oh, and it’s OLD — Mittens also pulled this boner at a fundraiser four years ago. Here’s a hint, guys considering careers in politics: If you’re not naturally funny, then don’t try to be. And especially not if you have to recycle your material.
8. Scott Christopher Fucking Montoya. Confucia say: Deputy who brag about being hung like a horse, is full of shit like a bull.
9. Luis Fucking Posada Fucking Carriles. Further to the wankage seen already at #5, how about this one? $25 a plate to eat shit-on-a-shingle with a terrorist, who couldn’t even get his ass handed to him for illegal immigration in a country that persecutes Mexicans for far, far less. That, my friends, is the fucking definition of shamelessness. Hence the double fucking, which I think we can all agree the old bastard richly deserves.
10. Rick Fucking Perry. Speaking of shits and shingles, if you’re going to hold a prayer breakfast with a bunch of raving fucking homophobes, you might want to double-deadbolt your closet door, Guvnor Goodhair…because those pink-clad skeletons doing the Watusi in there are getting mighty restless, if you catch my drift…
11. Ladd Fucking Ehlinger, Jr. Oh my, what a potpourri of stinkum in THAT ad…sexism AND racism, all rolled up in one. Just add homophobia, and you’d get the Unholy Fucking Trinity.
12. John Fucking Boehner. Yes, he actually called on Anthony Weiner to resign. Fancy a boner saying THAT to a wiener! PS: Weiner (actually pronounced “whiner”) is German for “crybaby” — something BOTH men are. (Yes, the spelling makes a difference to the pronunciation AND the meaning in German. Remember, schiessen is “to shoot”, scheissen is “to shit”. And no, “Boehner”, which is umlauted, is not really pronounced “boner”, although you may be forgiven for doing so anyway, just because he deserves it. Your nitpicky German schoolmarm will now STFU.)
13. Eric Fucking Bolling. A rapper who fights against racism, sexism, and other right-wing social evils is a “hoodlum”? Only in FUX Snooze la-la land. PS: Nice non-apology you got there, asshat.
14. Michael Fucking Bishop. Overreact much? Gun nuts who can’t take a little game of Nicky Nicky Nine Doors are a real fucking drag.
15. Rick Fucking Santorum. Hypocrite much? Oh yeah, I forgot: Right-wing abortions are RIGHTEOUS abortions.
16. Don Fucking Cherry. Actually, Sour Grapes (or should I say, Sour Drapes?), the left-wing pinkos are the ones cleaning Vancouver up after the riots and car-torchings. If you really want rockum-sockum hockey, complete with brawls and lousy play, you’ll just have to put up with bad conduct by fans outside the arena, as well as from the players on the ice. And if you don’t believe in that, put a sock in it and pitch in with yer broom, old man. That’s what the left-wing pinkos are doing… PS: Scott Feschuk was right. That jacket is a fashion crime!
17. Mike Fucking Milbury. A protégé of Sour Grapes? A failed coach, too, just like…? You don’t say. Hey Mike, shut the fuck up and crawl back into your penalty box, where you belong. The Brothers Sedin, despite looking like twin Vikings, are classy guys who can actually PLAY hockey, rather than FIGHT it. And they are damn good at it, too. I don’t hear any talk of your former glory; hmmm, I wonder why that is…
18. Peter Fucking King. Yes, he’s still persecuting Muslims and ignoring homegrown white Christian terrorists in his neo-McCarthyite hearings. Thankfully, the take-no-shit congressional hero, Sheila Jackson Lee, has handed him his fat, saggy ass…by simply bringing up what he keeps trying to gloss over.
19. Jo Fucking Koy. Who? Yeah, I wondered the same thing. Apparently he thinks he’s a funnyman, and he thinks it’s hilarious to parade around in front of a bunch of women with an undone zipper, wagging his ass and bragging about how NOT-gay he is…and then, when some plant in the audience yells that he can see his cock (and of course, the plant is always a male), he calls the plant a fucking faggot. And oh yeah, he threatens HIS son with death too, in the event that the kid should grow up gay. I don’t know what’s more stupid here, the sexism or the homophobia (and that threat against the kid is just plain UGLY), but one thing’s for sure…I’m not laughing at the act. It’s lame. Didn’t one of last week’s wankers make the same unfunny sort of “jokes”?
20. Jim Fucking Chu. So, “anarchists” are to blame for the Vancouver riots of Wednesday night? Nice try, chief, but no Timbits for you. Real anarchists don’t wear $200 hockey sweaters and equally expensive sneakers, nor do they feel the need to break windows and steal other expensive shit. What you call “anarchists” are nothing but a bunch of drunken, greedy louts using the cover of a crowd of hundred-thousands to embolden themselves to do what they’d ordinarily be too afraid to do (when sober and alone, that is). Hockey hooligans are just like soccer hooligans; their gonads don’t work unless they’re surrounded by milling crowds.
21. All those fucking idiots on Facebook who bragged about their part in the riots. Srsly, you people are sludge, because you’re ending up making life more miserable and less democratic for the rest of us. Fuck off, you fucking idiots.
22. Newt Fucking Gingrich. As Bartcop says, he and his wife are NOT decent people. What’s so “decent” about carrying on an affair in the congressional parking garage while leading the charge of the baying poon-hounds sniffing for semen stains on Monica’s dress? And dumping your ailing second wife for the woman you schtupped in said parking garage? Fortunately, this indecent pair will NEVER see the inside of the White House…not as residents, anyway. But their chutzpah à deux still knows no bounds!
23. Tihomir Fucking Petrov. First he pisses on a fellow prof’s door, then he goes on the lam. The reasons why remain a mystery, but I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s a wank, regardless.
24. Bob Fucking McKenzie. No, he doesn’t have a brother named Doug (that I know of, anyway). And I don’t know if he wears a tuque or sits around smoking and drinking beer and saying “Take off, eh?” all day, either. I don’t know him from Adam’s housecat, and I don’t care to know him. But I do know that he IS a hoser for blaming the same people as Wankers #16 and #20 for the Vancouver Stanley Cup riots. Don’t any of these damn sports commentators have an original thought in their lumpish heads?
25. The Fucking “Bible Believers” who swarmed all over the mosque in Dearborn, Michigan. What part of “love thy neighbor” do you asshats not understand? Because that’s in the Bible, too, and you’re showing no signs of believing in that. If you go around calling Islam (the religion of more than a billion largely peaceful people the world over) the “religion of murder” and forget what your own guys did during the Crusades, you need to learn not only some theology, but some history. And no, I’m NOT talking about the Conservafuckingpedia version of either, either.
26. Paul Fucking Porter. Violence and misogyny on all channels: Acceptable. Rihanna taking (rather mildly depicted) revenge on a perpetrator of the same in her latest video? It is, and I quote, “…an inexcusable, shock-only, shoot-and-kill theme song.” One is left to draw the inescapable conclusion that it’s okay to do any horrible thing at all to a woman, but unacceptable for her to fight back even a little bit. And some of you guys wonder why there is still a feminist movement? It’s because there’s still a crying need for one, DUH.
27. Joseph Fucking Farah. In addition to all those other things they haven’t got (like brains, sanity, hearts, good judgment, brains, brains, and brains), loony Birther editors also have no sense of humor. And are really, really fucking touchy bastards about it.
28. Sarah Fucking Palin. She’s not only a stupid twat, she is also a dickhead. Calling Anthony Weiner a “pervert” when she played God in a sickening, treacly e-mail about her own (alleged) son? That’s stupid twatness taken to a whole ‘nother level. If God “only want[s] the best” for the obviously undeserving snowbilly Palin clan and shows divine favor by “blessing” Mama Grizzly with an unbelievably easy and non-showy high-risk pregnancy, what does one say to women whose pregnancies are blighted from the get-go, with morning, afternoon and evening sickness for the whole nine months? Oh yeah, that’s right: They must all be fucking jezebels. They deserve to suffer for their sins, the hussies.
PS: In case you hadn’t heard, Weinergate is literally nothing compared to all the myriad Palingates.
And finally, to all the assholes, asshats and just plain asses who trashed Vancouver after the Stanley Cup loss, and the asinine analysts who analyzed it so asininely: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU FUCKING FUCKHEADS THINKING? Oh, scratch that…you’re not. That would entail the use of actual brain cells, which are in short supply among not only people who trash cities after a game, but also in those who blame it on “flaws in the national character”, “criminals and anarchists”, or anything else other than the Perfect Storm of a home-ice loss of Lord Stan, too much beer, suburban stupidity, and crapitalist avarice run amuck.
Good night, and get fucked!