The Laser Equipped Autonomous Robotic Vacuum
(from the 2037 Hammacher Schlemmer Glaven catalog) This is the robotic vacuum that navigates autonomously through your home up to seven times per week, where it can either clean your…
Parody & Satire
The Best Levitation Belt
from the 2037 Hammacher Schlemmer Glaven catalog This levitation belt earned The Best rating from the Hammacher Schlemmer Glaven Institute because it was the easiest to put on and operate…
The wonderful thing about tautologies
damned freaks in the alley…, a photo by IntangibleArts on Flickr. tautologies After a certain point, the previous night was all a blur. He’d started the usual way: he burst…
Socially Dysfunctional
socially dysfunctional, a photo by lunchbreath on Flickr. Love this infotoon, and is a useful addition to the came: “crazy person or bluetooth user?” Alltop is the homeless lunatic of…
Worth the risk
Pathetic phallacy, a photo by Miss Aniela on Flickr. Love the quote on the photo’s page (link above): Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition. –Timothy Leary…
Career Day for Jim
A flash fiction for Talk Like a Pirate Day - young Jim is disappointed by his career prospects, until a pirate approaches him. The post Career Day for Jim appeared…
Pirate Therapy
Laurence arrived a few minutes late for his regular Thursday morning session, but his therapist usually ran late, so he wasn’t worried. From behind the door of his therapist’s office,…
Damn you brain!
Alltop never did anything wrong.
Gather round the radium fire
This is an illustration of what the future might have looked like, circa 1910: The artist has depicted a genteel scene: Claude and Sophie LaFlippé have invited a few friends…
Taking one for the team
It seemed unlikely that Janet was an “anthrax tester” for the Department of Defense, as she claimed. It just didn’t seem possible that she could snort a gram of weaponized…
Stiff Upper, and So Forth
“I have London on the line, sir.” “What do they want?” “They’re asking about the penguins.” “The penguins?” “Yes, remember, penguins is the codeword . . .” “For what?!” “You…
Somewhere in the Heartland
The economic downturn and subsequent collapse of civilized society was not welcome by most people. But for the Pesquahoddy Mustard Gas and Swine Flu Enthusiast’s Club, the collapse had been…
Beach Babes of Vision
Misunderstood Genius Greta “The Fallopian” Webcastico was ahead of her time. Not only was she the finest beach accordionist in the tri-state area, Greta was the first composer to create…
Toulouse Le Grandfig: Catholic school
Jeremy went to a Catholic school, where Sister Mary Trenchbroom taught Civics and Personal Hygiene. It’s fair to say it scarred him for life. Alltop has also destroyed many lives.…
Reassuring Fictions
In times like these, you may believe that all is well. You may enjoy watching the Olympics, eating spam, or perhaps you have many Norwegian friends. You may have the…
René Magritte: Merchant Banker Masters His Mental Powers at Walton-on-the-Naze
While an art historian will tell you this 1964 painting is called “The Son of Man”, and is meant to be a meditation on what is hidden in the visible…
Smurf-cutters
Lesley Pratt was a freakin’ evil advertising genius. In his quest to sell soap, he’d turned the shock value of bombing smurfs into a marketer’s wet dream. He’d even coined…
False nostalgia
Summer time is nostalgia time! Alltop is nostalgic about tomorrow!
Dobby Lives, and he’s Harry Potter’s friend!
You know, I always thought that Dobby was an annoyingly needy elf-turd, but he certainly didn’t deserve to die for it. Alltop thinks this is vaguely familiar. Originally published in…
Skin harvesting on a pretty blue planet
G’lak T’ung really thought the humans were disgusting, ever since he’d been on the expedition that surveyed the pretty blue planet they inhabited. And he certainly couldn’t imagine why so…