Ask General Kang: Have you ever cried to win an election?
There are a few things you need to know before I can answer this question properly: 1) Über-chimps are physically incapable of crying standard tears… The post Ask General Kang:…
Parody & Satire
Why it’s not safe to snuggle with a Gila Monster, or, the life of Jim Fowler
Jim Fowler died at the age of eighty-nine, quietly, in his home in Connecticut. I only learned this sad news yesterday, though he died in… The post Why it’s not…
Protected: Jim-Bot 3000
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post. The post Protected: Jim-Bot 3000 appeared first on mark a. rayner.
Listicle: Ernest Hemingway’s 5 Surprisingly Easy Rules for Writing
Kill adjectivesMurder your darlingsSlaughter long sentencesExterminate repetitionWhiskey, but only after slaking your bloodlust writing
Rejected Halloween-Themed Cereals
After the success of Count Chocula, Boo-berry and Frankenberry, cereal executives everywhere were on the look out for new Halloween-themed cereals. Alas, these never made it to market, though the…
Excruciating Album Cover Art — Mr. Bat Sings
“Can’t sleep, clown will eat me.” –Bart Simpson I always used to think one of the silliest phobias was coulrophobia — the fear of clowns — until I saw this…
The side benefits of coulrophobia
Alltop is afraid of skin tanner. Chart by Indexed.
Twitterpocalypse
Writer’s note: Most of the Twitter handles are invented. And if the reverse chronology is a problem, you may prefer to start this short story at the beginning, but I…
William Shatner’s Inaugural Address
(After Winning the First Post-Two-Party Presidential Election) Friends, Americans, Countrymen! Lend me your ears. I come to bury our two-party system, not praise it. I stand before you today, not…
Vanity Thy Name is Robot
By mid-century, all the grumpkins agreed: robots were the shit. Even the most hardened humano-mechanicals were aware their robotic cousins could kick their asses. And the feed stock? Don’t be…
Twitter etiquette
If someone follows you, please, don’t immediately DM them and ask them to friend you on FB now, or buy your book, or watch your hilarious YouTube videos, etc. Imagine…
Gonzo street
One of my guilty pleasures is Jim’ll Paint It — where readers request crazy scenarios and Jim makes them happen through the magic of imagination (and some kind of hallucinogen,…
A post in which I quote Marx
See, there was nothing to worry about, comrades. Alltop is not half-hearted about humor.
Keyboard Shortcuts for Novelists
Or you could just mash the keys together in a fit of anxious rage and see what happens? Alltop gets funny whenever you hit alt + f. H/T to…
Fahrenheit 1600
The Amazon servers take even more heating… Alltop is hot for the funny. Cartoon via Hungry for Knowledge.
Anxious Queue
At the Skywalker Ranch, there was always a long lineup for the Princess Leia Ride, even when Stacy and her “Umbrella of Truth” was working it. Alltop would never tell…
An Open Letter to Boris Johnson’s Hair
Dear Boris Johnson’s Hair, It’s really not going very well, is it? But it’s not your fault. It really isn’t. In the history of British… Continue ReadingAn Open Letter to…