Future History: Wall Street Wiles
Excerpt from the Brainipedia mentograph entry on Wall Street, circa 2020: It wasn’t until the early years of the 2020s that our pre-singularity hominid ancestors realized they should not allow…
Mark A. Rayner
Ask General Kang: How do I make myself look attractive on a dating site?
Your human mating rituals are really quite amusing. Dating sites are so passé on my homeworld of Neecknaw. Instead of dating sites, we have two bi-weekly “Gathering of the Gonads”…
Clown Apocalypse: The Clownsickle
One of the worst things about the clown apocalypse was just sorting out the sick from the opportunistic psycho-killers, who used the disaster to cover their own heinous activities. Many…
I Am the Leggman
There is no more tragic story from the early days of cycling than the legendary Vance (The Leggman) Leggstrong. For a period of nearly a decade, none could match his…
Problems of the technological singularity
Alltop has nightmares too. No funny blogs!
Ask General Kang: How do I keep my two-year-old son from killing his mother (my wife)?
First off, you probably need to untie her and let her run away from the frisky little tyke. Oh and stop giving him knives to play with. By the way,…
The book of transformation
He had no idea how long he’d been there. It seemed like an age. All around him was the sound of the other body parts. Two pages over the heart…
Pirate etymology: sea dog
Many believe the term stems from the dog-like appearance of the seal, while others claim it is grizzled old sailors. Both of these are correct, nautically speaking, but not when…
The rush of heaven downward
I wrote this in 2003, and it was originally published in Flash Me magazine that year. It also appears in my collection, Pirate Therapy and Other Cures, and is probably…
Take me to your breeder
Klaktron XII was the Hyper-Commander of the United Federation of Incredibly Regular Planets Space Vessel, Cheeznip. His was a storied career. He’d eaten ultrasonic oysters in the Seafood Nebula, and…
Ask General Kang: The Home Edition
The walls of my house are bleeding, and I keep finding an ax next to my bed when I wake up in the middle of the night to the sound…
Professor Quippy: This Thanksgiving It’s Velociraptor
The dreaded velociraptor is looking less and less like a Spielbergian nightmare, and more like something you could safely serve with cranberries. New research into the fossilized forearm discovered in…
Ask General Kang: I have a hot date tonight — should I wear boxers or briefs?
The General can tell you’re a guy. Only a human male would frame the question in such a crass way. What you’re asking, essentially, is how you should prepare yourself…
Cheese Pyrates! Revenge of the Crimson Parrots
It were 2011, and a year had passed since the Le Fromage de Satan had sunk our frigate with an exploding cheese, killing all hands except for meself, Jim Quinn,…
Cheese Pyrates!
The year were 2011 and I joined the Navy for one reason alone — to get me vengeance on Le Fromage de Satan, and her scurvy master, Captain Jacques LaBung.…
Robot week
Hi folks, this week I’m playing a few more things from the “best of” The Skwib. My obsession with the technological singularity continues, with a focus on robots. Next week,…
Municipal Investment Strategies for the Technological Singularity
An Open Letter to Town Council Dear Councilors: Your town may have an emergency plan, a development plan, a health plan — it may even have a plan for how…
Ask General Kang: How do you choose a new leader?
Well, on my home planet of Neecknaw, this is a simple affair. The new leader chooses himself. Or herself. But we haven’t had a female leader since the Gloomy Ages…
Thag not like mornings!
When he awoke, his mate Onga was less than a hand away from his face, smiling her most dazzling smile. Somewhere, out in the forest, birds were chirping; bright light…