Ministry of Justice officials confirmed Friday that the government has recently started compiling statistics of unreported crimes. A spokesperson for MP Rob Nicholson told reporters “We are carefully tracking crimes that are unreported. Our ears have been kept to the ground listening for every rumour, anecdote and innuendo pertaining to unreported crime. People are murmuring, and we’re carefully listening and writing stuff down, no matter how garbled, far-fetched or nonsensical it sounds. A database of unreported incidents is being compiled. We need to address the numerous hypothetical crimes.”
In Ottawa, it was whispered that Public Safety Minister Vic Toews’ neighbour’s son-in-law might have had his new mountain bike stolen from a local park. An investigation into the possible brazen crime was launched last week.
“These are the reasons that Canadians elected the Cowboy Steve government”, said Nicholson’s aide. “Our citizens deserve the protection of their police and courts to probe these possible crimes that might maybe be happening. For too long, Canada’s justice system has confused justice and revenge. The vast majority of Canadians know them to be the same thing.”
