Somewhere in the Heartland
The economic downturn and subsequent collapse of civilized society was not welcome by most people. But for the Pesquahoddy Mustard Gas and Swine Flu Enthusiast’s Club, the collapse had been…
Toulouse Le Grandfig
Belgium, circa 1906
Doctor Hans Christian “Liver-and-Favva-Beans” Malifico standing next to the prototype of his first business mechanical, the famous Red Juggernaut, Mark I (with claw and hook attachment). Though it would be…
The Evils of Commerce
In Sohunglo, Chugoku Prefecture, (just down the road from Hiroshima) the geisha house of Okiya Yumyum made the best of a bad situation by introducing the art of contortion to…
The Tradition Continues
Karl Wangsness had decided to honor his Norwegian heritage by having his own version of a Viking Funeral. The car was an admirable substitution for a longship, and he was…
Austria, 1912
Though they outsold the proto-fascist jazz stylings of The Pillage People four-to-one, the Über-Musik Boys never quite managed to make the big time. Even though they started the whole Lederhosen…
Beach Babes of Vision
Misunderstood Genius Greta “The Fallopian” Webcastico was ahead of her time. Not only was she the finest beach accordionist in the tri-state area, Greta was the first composer to create…
Lucinda at the Laundrette of Shattered Hope
Lucinda was a dreamer. Someday, she knew that her Mom would return with the waffle iron and say she was sorry; perhaps even share her delicious recipe for Translucent Liquid…
E-nnui
Toto the Bio-Sphere Demolition-Bot wondered what it was all about. Did life really mean anything? There had to be more to existence then the senseless destruction of countless inhabited worlds…
The love that dare not speak its name
“Oh Sergei, do you think we’ll ever escape this festering plain, this landscape of ennui and emptiness, so that we can share our love as it was meant to be…
Toulouse Le Grandfig: Catholic school
Jeremy went to a Catholic school, where Sister Mary Trenchbroom taught Civics and Personal Hygiene. It’s fair to say it scarred him for life. Alltop has also destroyed many lives.…
Reassuring Fictions
In times like these, you may believe that all is well. You may enjoy watching the Olympics, eating spam, or perhaps you have many Norwegian friends. You may have the…
Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Voyage’s End
February 29, 1933, Capipi Bumonsis I sense the voyage is about to come to an end. The customs agents here are strange men. Their beards are not mellow, but wild…
Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Freeze the Brass…
April 12, Jungian Analysis Swollen cheeks and brass protuberances strike the crew of the Good Ship Plotkin. It is the worst outbreak of Bugler’s Mouth I’ve seen since the Great…
Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Kiss-meat
SS Plotkin, circa. 1901 I separate the mists of time like the Great Jabber Monkey’s own cosmic speculum. The Fates glare at me as I slowly walk up the gangway:…
Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: The English Disease
Brighton, circa. 2000 This young gent claims that his name is Dennis Travesty. Don at Prancing Fairy College. I call him Coclear Implant. Wonder at his hat. The shoes. And…
Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Onions
Shattolott City, 1932 The man who loved onions. He loved onions Loved em. Really. He loooved them. If you catch my drift. The authorities frowned on his vegetable affections, but…
Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Amazonia
Hermitage Villas, 3000 BC I’m in the land of the Amazons. The women are giant. And cruel. They play a game called “Truncheons and Skulls” with the men. The winners…
Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Birdman
January 22, 1978 It appears that in the future, the world is inhabited by a strange race of bird people. I am a happy fellow indeed! Lok-laach-do is my boon…
Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Cochlea
January 12, 1932 Our first port of call was Buster Keaton’s inner ear. I think we have discovered why he is always falling down. He has a lovely — if…
Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Departure
December 37, 1932 My voyage begins on the Ukranian Steam Ship, the Plotnik. On the first day, I met our captain. A diminutive, if stern fellow, by the name of…