Tales of the Second Amendment
Current research in developmental psychology shows that if caretakers allow a toddler to assert more control over what they do, there are definite benefits to the child’s autonomy, self-reliance and…
Toulouse Le Grandfig
Butterscotch Pie
Cecil and Barton were locked in a gentlemen’s psycho-drama that ammunition could not solve. How it had begun, neither could say. Perhaps it had to do with one of them…
March of the Angry, Fuming, Vengeful Penguins
Suzie loved penguins, ever since her first trip to the zoo. She’d tell her mother every night, “oh I wish I could see a funny, awkward, goofy penguin, again Mummy.…
The all-gas mask revival of Hamlet
The 1937 all-gas mask revival of Hamlet at the Birmingham Repertory Theatre would have probably gone down in the annals of theatre history as the best all-gas mask production —…
The Encounter
Dolores had the sudden intimation that the peyote breakfast milkshake was probably a mistake. Alltop drinks your milkshake. The Encounter, a photo by Modest Janicki (Modest and Jill) on Flickr.
The Old Spaghettification Swimmin’ Hole
Stephen Newton was in love. From his hiding place, he watched her disrobe and gracefully dive into the old swimming hole. Her alabaster skin shimmered under the water like some…
A Valentine’s Day gift to remember
The year is 1952. After discovering the patent for Michael Flannigan’s infamous “Mammary Sympathizer” in a back issue of 19th Century Inventions That Could Have Been Less Offensive, early Emily…
Survival Tips for Tiny and Polite Humans
If you happen to live on one of the many planets inhabited by CEOs, you may find yourself wondering: “how do I not get eaten?” You may also wonder if…
Octopuses’ Garden
Peter Stumbersby was a devotee of the Browning Diving Suit, though for some time he had owned an original Flannigan Breathing Apparatus (it almost killed him.) Neither of these submersible…
The Merchant Banker Awards
Thorsson had a very small but fanatically loyal client base. They especially liked his aggressive stance vis-a-vis derivatives and lopping the heads off of their competition. Alltop enjoys credit-swap de-cranialization.…
The Future Is Frenzied
Professor Albedo-9000 Frink (the Third) was justifiably proud of his invention. It had taken him nearly 300 years of his genetically enhanced life to construct the Frink Dojigger 12. (Experimental…
The Halloween Feast of Madness Bird
Say what you will about Marge and Delia, but they served a mean turkey dinner. Sure they might have been witches. Sure, they tended to use a little too much…
Star-crossed lovers
1960 … formerly unknown Mexican sci-fi!, a photo by x-ray delta one on Flickr. The being had crossed all of known space to find her, Lola LaBozla, the smartest woman…
Arrow Shirts, for the lady’s head fancier
1947—Nice spot to be in -Arrow – by Coby Whitmore, a photo by x-ray delta one on Flickr. Copy: Do you enjoy the luxuriant feel of a decapitated head? Then…
A middle year satori
Beauty is relative, a photo by True_Bavarian on Flickr. At a certain point in your life, you realize that you are who you are. That isn’t to say that your…
A Robot Regrets
Meeptron the Bio-Destruction Bot looked out at the wasteland that once was Peoria and thought that his work had actually made it look nicer. Of course, he was programmed that…
Everyone’s a critic
Hank didn’t care that act had won the Most Unconvincing Bear Award six years running. He had been practicing on his flugelhorn, and he was sure that this season would…
Taking one for the team
It seemed unlikely that Janet was an “anthrax tester” for the Department of Defense, as she claimed. It just didn’t seem possible that she could snort a gram of weaponized…
Stiff Upper, and So Forth
“I have London on the line, sir.” “What do they want?” “They’re asking about the penguins.” “The penguins?” “Yes, remember, penguins is the codeword . . .” “For what?!” “You…
The Smears of a Clown
They were never going to give him a Nobel Prize for Buffoonery. The Pulizer committee had told him in no uncertain terms that there wasn’t a category for astonishingly narrow,…