Ask General Kang: What is the right amount of blogging?
Frankly, none. But never bite the hand that feeds you I say, particularly when it feeds you ripe fruit and vegemite sandwiches. This rule applies doubly for evil galactic overlords…
Ask General Kang
Ask General Kang: I heard the Pentagon experimented with a ‘gay bomb’ — do you have a favorite non-lethal weapon?
Seriously, a ‘gay bomb’? My guess is they got to the testing stage and discovered that making soldiers sexually irresistible to one another actually made them more efficient, vicious killers.…
Ask General Kang: What do you do when you ask God to smite your enemies, but no smiting ensues?
Ah, you human monkeys and your penchant for violent fiction! Of course, this question has no meaning for me, because I have neither been influenced by the collective delusion you…
Ask General Kang: Do you have infographics on your home world?
Do we? I have entire legion of hipster über-baboons devoted to cranking out these things on an hourly basis, clogging Neecknaw’s Datasphere with pretty misinformation. Before I recruited them for…
Ask General Kang: What musical instrument should I learn?
I think it depends a bit on where your talents lie. For example, can you carry a tune? Then maybe a kazoo. Or even a harmonica if you’ve got some…
Ask General Kang: I can’t stop playing Civilization V. Can you help?
Hmm. Do you have access to an intergalactic armada and enough firepower to conquer another world? If so, then I think I can help you, but I’ll need to borrow…
Ask General Kang: Is it technically cannibalism if all you eat is a pinkie?
First of all, check the finger carefully. If it’s not a pinkie from the same species, then you’re probably okay. I was once really freaked out by Colonel (now Major)…
Ask General Kang: I’m freaking out! I’ve just learned the earth will be destroyed by the sun. Is it true?
You can relax. I don’t know where you got your information, but our best scientists don’t currently think the earth will be destroyed by the sun. In about 4-5 billion…
Ask General Kang: Are there pirates where you come from?
You’re lookin’ at one, matey. Ye don’t become an evil intergalactic overlord by inheritin’ the job, ye know. (Actually, Blugnarsh the Bloody did actually take over from his father, Bloodwash…
Ask General Kang: Is our universe somebody’s hobby? Cause I’ve got a few choice words for the dude if it is.
Yeah, but if the universe was some giant simulation being played by some kind of super-being (post-human, post-uberchimp, whatever) on a computer big enough to create a whole universe, don’t…
Ask General Kang: Should I be afraid of the semicolon?
Do you mean the form of punctuation, or what happens to your lower intestines after you’ve eaten improperly prepared Thringian Gitworm sashimi? Because if you’ve eaten bad ThriGit sashimi, and…
Ask General Kang: Do you have Santa Claus on your home planet?
No, we didn’t have Santa Claus when I was growing up. We didn’t have Christmas. Heck, we didn’t even have your primitive paleo-brain concept of religion. We did have the…
Ask General Kang: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving on your home world?
No, we have several holidays that are somewhat similar, but essentially we break your celebration into two components. And then we have one “thanksgiving” day which is totally alien to…
Ask General Kang: Do you enjoy daylight savings time?
Yes, of course. There’s nothing I enjoy more than having to reset my body’s circadian rhythms because of your human delusion that you control things. Most of you can barely…
Ask General Kang: If a blogger blogs in the forest, and nobody is around to read it, does it exist?
I think what you’re really asking is can something exist without being perceived. Of course, in this instance, you’re forgetting that the person writing the blog — the blogger —…
Ask General Kang: Can you explain how international finances work?
You must have me confused with an economist. Perhaps it is because I have not been allowed to answer any questions on The Skwib for some time (due to an…
Ask General Kang: Is it a correction? Please tell me it’s a correction! Should I sell?
Yep, there’s nothing trickier to manipulate than a system based on fear and greed. You humans should consider changing your approach to markets. Back on my home planet, I changed…
Ask General Kang: Miss Manners says it has to be 97 degrees out before I don’t have to wear nylons. What do you think?
I think you should tell me what that is in Celsius. 35? 36? Never mind, it doesn’t matter, because that Miss Manners is a complete bitch. How DARE she tell…