Ask General Kang: How do I keep my New Year’s resolutions?
We had a similar custom on my homeworld, Neecknaw, but there we called them Slorg Wishes. Slorg was once the Overlord of our planet, back in the Taupe Ages —…
Ask General Kang
Ask General Kang: How do you deal with wrap rage?
Wrap rage, for all my readers who are unfamiliar with the phenomenon, is the rising anger and dementia that you feel when you are unable to open the shiny new…
Ask General Kang: As a world-conquering potentate, what is your policy regarding instant gratification?
Well, I’m totally against it. From what I can see there is too much instant gratification happening here on Terra; and this is at least some part of the reason…
Ask General Kang: How was your technological singularity?
That is a revealing assumption, my good human buddy. What makes you think there was a technological singularity on my home planet of Neecknaw? Well, doesn’t every advanced technological society…
Ask General Kang: What’s the best method for electing your leader?
Ah, not this again! You humans and your obsession with “elections” and “democracy.” It’s an illusion, just like free will. You’ve already decided who you’re going to vote for, and…
Ask General Kang: How do you celebrate Halloween on your home planet?
Why would you think that we even have the same ridiculous pagan rituals on the great and glorious planet of Neecknaw? I mean, it’s insulting! We’re not some backwards little…
Ask General Kang: How do I make myself look attractive on a dating site?
Your human mating rituals are really quite amusing. Dating sites are so passé on my homeworld of Neecknaw. Instead of dating sites, we have two bi-weekly “Gathering of the Gonads”…
Ask General Kang: How do I keep my two-year-old son from killing his mother (my wife)?
First off, you probably need to untie her and let her run away from the frisky little tyke. Oh and stop giving him knives to play with. By the way,…
Ask General Kang: The Home Edition
The walls of my house are bleeding, and I keep finding an ax next to my bed when I wake up in the middle of the night to the sound…
Ask General Kang: I have a hot date tonight — should I wear boxers or briefs?
The General can tell you’re a guy. Only a human male would frame the question in such a crass way. What you’re asking, essentially, is how you should prepare yourself…
Ask General Kang: How do you choose a new leader?
Well, on my home planet of Neecknaw, this is a simple affair. The new leader chooses himself. Or herself. But we haven’t had a female leader since the Gloomy Ages…
Ask General Kang: Would you ever consider running for public office?
Your politicians disgust me. They pander to the lowest common denominator. They lie. They’re corrupt. They are vile, low creatures, worse than a Tregladian Bladder Beast, or even that fuzzy…
Ask General Kang: A long question…
Dear General Kang: My apologies for this really long question, but there is an old phrase that I’m not sure of the beginning. It goes something like: 1. With a…
Ask General Kang: Do you have a profile on Facebook?
Absolutely! You can’t take over a planet without a few friends. I like the way that Facebook allows me to be connected the minutia of my friends’ lives. This is…
Ask General Kang: Did you have the Olympics on your home world?
That is a ridiculous question! I come from another planet, deep in another galaxy, on which the dominant lifeforms have evolved along a completely different track from you humans. What…
Ask General Kang: Apparently, only one in four people read a book last year — how can we improve that figure?
I’d start by disabling the publishing industry in some way — perhaps an elite cadre of pulp-loving squirrels armed with plasma-shredders and capable of firing book worms out of their…
Ask General Kang: I’ve just started high school, and I wonder, how I can improve my self-esteem?
Some researchers will tell you that self-esteem is heavily influenced by things you will have no control over, such as your looks, and how “cool” you are seen to be…
Ask General Kang: What is the best approach of making first contact with a race that thinks of your species as food?
This is one of the first sensible questions people have asked me on this column. Most of your questions are about petty human concerns such as getting a mate, and…
Ask General Kang: How do you deal with procrastination?
Severely. On Planet Neecknaw, the original lifespan of the average Neecknabian was similar to the average for your chimpanzees, 40-45 years or so. Is that on a diet of bananas…