Should we boycott the Olympics in Russia?
Absolutely! I think it’s disgraceful the way that Russia treats its gay and lesbian citizens. On top of that, I don’t think the Ruskies have any idea how many figure…
Ask General Kang
Ask General Kang: Do you pardon your followers, even if they did something wrong?
I would never pardon a follower if they did ME wrong, but if they made a “mistake” and were then penalized by the legal community, I might decide to save…
Ask General Kang: What should you do if you discover your leader is a hypocrite?
First of all, don’t be surprised. Then, I suppose it depends a little what kind of hypocrite. For example, if you are talking about a leader of a church —…
Ask General Kang: How do you deal with bad drivers?
The first thing you have to realize is that I’ve only been subject to the idiocy of my fellow car-jockeys since my arrival on Earth. (Car-jockey is the right term,…
Ask General Kang: What do you do when your planet runs out of resources?
What do I do? Shouldn’t you be asking what will you do? What I do is charge up the power cells in my Interstellar Ape-arda, fill the ships with hordes…
Ask General Kang: I believe my boyfriend is an alien. Do you think I should move in with him?
I guess it all depends on what kind of alien. If he’s like one of those friendly nice aliens — say Jeff Bridges in Starman — then I’d say go…
Ask General Kang: Can I Be More Charismatic?
Absolutely, it is easy for you to be more charismatic, though you will never be as appealing as I am. According to Professor Richard Wiseman (I’m not sure what he’s…
Ask General Kang: I may have inadvertently started an intergalactic war with the Bleugzag Imperium. Do you think this might be held against me when I apply for college?
Wow, good on ya! I’d hold this against you if you DIDN’T report it on your application. Starting an intergalactic war takes a great deal of organization, planning, and above…
Ask General Kang: How much time should I be spending on Social Media every day?
None. Next question. No, seriously, what is the right amount? It depends. Do you have other things to do? Like, I don’t know, a job? Let’s assume yes, and let’s…
Ask General Kang: Why don’t you ever mention robots?
Oh, you silly humans and your fascination with robots! And I don’t mean the kind of useful robots that actually exist, like the ones in factories. I assume that by…
Ask General Kang: How did you deal with climate change on your planet?
An interesting question. Because my planet is so far advanced of yours, we experienced our major climate changes about a millennia ago. Like you are currently experiencing, on Neecknaw we…
Ask General Kang: I’ve heard that one of the first things women check out is your footwear. What if I wear sandals?
Wow, this is a tough one. First of all, I don’t put anything on my feet, so I’m not really sure what this “footwear” concept is all about. (Don’t be…
Ask General Kang: I really don’t understand quantum mechanics — is there any hope for my marriage? Also I’m pretty sure my wife is cheating on me with a vampire.
I think your marriage is safe, as long as you can do two things. First of all, you HAVE to wrap your head around Heisenberg’s Uncertainty Principle. Here’s the easy…
Ask General Kang: Did I miss anything important in class yesterday?
How the hell would I know? I don’t even know what kind of class you’re taking! I do have a couple of ideas, though, if you should be worried about…
Ask General Kang: When is it okay to call someone to a Nazi?
I suppose it’s not a problem if the person is a Nazi, but I can’t think of a lot of other circumstances where it would be helpful. Presumably, you’re doing…
Ask General Kang: Is there anything wrong with using the word ‘sartorial’?
You probably get a lot of funny looks when you employ that adjective. Some of the looks are from borderline homophobes, who believe that you’d have to be a little…
Ask General Kang: How do you beat high gas prices?
I have never owned one of your quaint “internal combustion engine” vehicles, so I have not had to worry about the high price of gas, but I have been getting…
Ask General Kang: What kind of drug policies do you have on your home world?
Interesting question, no doubt prompted by the recent vote for the decriminalizing of marijuana possession in Washington. Given the bloodthirsty nature of my intergalactic conquests, you will be surprised to…
Ask General Kang: I’ve just spilled really hot coffee in my lap — is this what they mean by "global warming"?
Most of the scientific community and a large number of other thinking hominids believe global warming to be an observed increase in the average temperature of the Earth’s atmosphere and…