I had this friend who was obsessed with having a monkey tail grafted to his ass. Actually, to call him a friend is stretching the truth. Toulouse was more of…
He’d met her at a bar uptown, and she seemed like a classy dame, but there was something odd about her. When she’d said, “you know Lance, I’d really like…
Belinda was a notorious cheapskate, who was cloned from several ancient lines of DNA; not of any single species, Belinda’s genetic material was a chimera of strands originating with proto-humans…
He was born Jars Peeblefrench, son of Bjorn and Nellie Peeblefrench, of the Stavenger Peeblefrenches — a family of well-established merchants in the toenail clipping district. Jars was tired of…
They had been looking forward to their honeymoon, but after meeting the captain, the newlyweds wondered if they shouldn’t just have gone to Brighton. Alltop went to Niagara Falls. The…
My new collection is now available on Amazon and on Kindle: Ever wondered what might happen if your therapist was replaced by a pirate? Or how disquieting it would be…
from the 2037 Hammacher Schlemmer Glaven catalog This is the device that instantly turns Soylent Green and other flavorings into a soft-serve treat. The unit combines frozen Soylent Green and…
It was the best game of zenball ever, and the crowd was wild with excitement: the whisper of butterfly wings was deafening. The Rotrovra Koan Kangaroos had just scored their…
February 29, 1933, Capipi Bumonsis I sense the voyage is about to come to an end. The customs agents here are strange men. Their beards are not mellow, but wild…
April 12, Jungian Analysis Swollen cheeks and brass protuberances strike the crew of the Good Ship Plotkin. It is the worst outbreak of Bugler’s Mouth I’ve seen since the Great…
SS Plotkin, circa. 1901 I separate the mists of time like the Great Jabber Monkey’s own cosmic speculum. The Fates glare at me as I slowly walk up the gangway:…
Brighton, circa. 2000 This young gent claims that his name is Dennis Travesty. Don at Prancing Fairy College. I call him Coclear Implant. Wonder at his hat. The shoes. And…
January 22, 1978 It appears that in the future, the world is inhabited by a strange race of bird people. I am a happy fellow indeed! Lok-laach-do is my boon…
December 37, 1932 My voyage begins on the Ukranian Steam Ship, the Plotnik. On the first day, I met our captain. A diminutive, if stern fellow, by the name of…
You had to hand it to Wanda the Happy Ending Pleasure Borg; sure, she was two-thirds titanium alloy with Buckyball Graphite Tetro-Carbon piping, but she had a sweet disposition, a…
Entry 2: Dictated: April 26, 1951 (continued from Part One) For our first session, I thought I would try to understand Grandfig’s psychosis through the medium of his art. I…
PATIENT HISTORY OF GRANFIG, TOULOUSE LE File #: 12-23571-X Dr. Abe Cornelius Bellevue Hospital — Psychiatric Triage Center Entry 1: Dictated: April 25, 1951 The patient was brought into the…
Rozie was a helluva’ dame. She could sink those rivets faster than a two-dollar fancy-girl could peel the wrapping off a sailor on shore leave, after he’d been at sea…
