A smattering of ways this Monday St. Paddy’s may go
So how is your’s going? I hope it hasn’t gotten much worse than “bulk cereal.” Slainté! Alltop is the bulk cereal of Internet humor aggregators. Genius “infotoon” by Lunchbreath.
Mark A. Rayner
Ask General Kang: Do you think we should ban tasers?
I believe that tasers are a barbaric technology. Not only are tasers an excruciating way to kill people, it seems to me that you should be using some kind of…
Salathial Turgid, Hanging Judge
The O’Reilly Boys finally caught up with Old Judge Turgid at the Annual Pecos River Ride and Chili Jamboree. Salathial had hung their older brother Seamus “The Tinkle” O’Reilly just…
Ask General Kang: I’d like to increase the number of surveillance cameras in my city, but I’m having trouble getting my council to agree. Any advice for a mayor with ambitions?
Surveillance cameras are a must for any would-be intergalactic overlord, which I assume is your ultimate goal. (Just as an aside, mayor is not the best platform to launch such…
Ask General Kang: Um, is it time to panic?
You humans still have primitive brains, so I will try to be understanding about this need of yours to panic. One of your wisest humans wrote a book, upon the…
Yes, time travellers are idiots
Besides, killing Hitler is such a 1st year in the time-travel academy thing to do. Alltop is a great way to kill time.
With Great Fez Comes Great Responsibility
Long before Giuseppe Del Balso invented cross-dimensional rift surfing, full-frontal time travel, or the pleasures of Zoot, he had many adventures, riding through the Italian countryside on his iron Dobbin.…
Snacking Cake Revenge
Muffy and Cuddles were pretty sure they had the math right, but they had a lingering worry that the explosion might ignite the Earth’s atmosphere. On the other hand, the…
Greetings from Bonodminton
Research scientists from GruntWerx 3000 (The Caring Company) were thrilled to finally track down the source of the mysterious transmissions the Corporate Imperium has been receiving for centuries, proving once…
Food for thought
Work has kept me away from my latest long fiction project for a while, and this quote keeps floating around my head. (That, and some kind of growling sound…) Alltop…
The singularity can take so many forms!
Alltop has been ordered to destroy all humor aggregators.
Ask General Kang: How should I pick an eyebrow shape?
Generally speaking, there is an eyebrow shape that works with every type of face. If you are an über-chimp with a large cranial ridge, for example, then a properly shaped…
Explaining video games
This helps me to understand why my character in Skyrim keeps picking up crap to sell, even though he has more money than he’ll ever be able to spend. Also,…
Ask General Kang: How do you deal with compulsive behaviour?
With technology and fear. On Prolonga XII (the homeworld of the Aphrodisiac Ascendancy before I invaded with my RoboChimp Legion) I had some trouble getting the native hominids there to…
I hate that they never serve snacks at the meetings
I mean, come on, Illuminati — some veggies and hummus or even those lousy cookies you get at Western University functions — something! Alltop doesn’t believe that cookies exist. Exquisite…
Winter Olympics: Naked Fire Luge, Bottomless Ski Jumping, Explo-Curling
Naked Fire Luge Though not as dangerous as skurlington, naked fire luge, is, in many ways, a much more exciting sport for the viewer. The luge run is ringed by…
Winter Olympics: Skurlington
In keeping with The Skwib Olympic motto: citius, altius, sanguius (faster, higher, bloodier) we would next like to suggest that the Winter Olympic committee combine Curling and Skeleton — the…
Tinfoil hat alert!
Kirby Ferguson, who made the highly enjoyable “Everything is a remix” web documentary, has a new project out, which may be of interest to all you paranoid groovy people. You…
Winter Olympics: Polar Biathlon
You’d think that a combination sport that included brutal cross-country skiing and the use of firearms would be really exciting. And you’d be wrong. But we have the solution. It…