Crappy weekend, everyone! And Happy Bonfire Night to all you Brits and Guy Fawkes fans out there. Oh gawd, it’s November…or if you’re a guy trying to grow a ‘stache (a Guy Fawkes-style one?) for prostate-cancer awareness/fundraising, MOvember. And today was Bank Transfer Day, for those of you in the States (and elsewhere) trying to take back what was yours, from those who would rob you only to gamble it all away in the world’s largest (and still, inexplicably, LEGAL) casino — the stockmarket. In short, it’s the penultimate month of the year. Already. Gawd, where’d the time go? Eaten by wankers, I suspect…and this week, here they are, in no particular order:
1. Charlotte Fucking Allen. Not every misogynist is a male, as the conservatard harpy contingent has gallantly gone out of its way to show us. And Charlotte, bless her heart (and by “bless”, I mean drive a motherfucking stake through), has chosen not to blame rapists for rape, but rather, as usual, feminists…and the victims. The young, desirable, scantily-clad-for-Halloween victims. Because all those rapacious penises can’t just levitate themselves, dammit. And the fact that feminists are actually highly critical of commercial “Sexy Whatever” costumes (which have no male equivalent) is neither here nor there, it seems. PS: The perfect, hilarious takedown for this anti-woman cowshit, right here. Enjoy!
2. Herman Fucking Cain. Why do men who want to control every uterus in the world all have so many zipper problems? Why do they feel the urge to make so many lame excuses about them? Why do they have so much trouble remembering what the women in question remember all too well? And worst of all — why do they feel the need to break into gospel songs when called on their shit? PS: Oh, BROTHER (from another fucking mother)!
3. and 4. Doug Fucking Hutchinson and Courtney Fucking Stodden. The only thing that’s tackier than Courtney is two of her. And on a related note: Guess what her grandpa, er, HUSBAND dressed up as for Halloween? PS: Creepy fucking mother is rill, rill fucking creepy.
5. Kim Fucking Kardashian. I guess she had to outdo the rest of her tacky clan somehow, and by gumbo, she did it. And all it cost was $18 million, 72 days, and the heart of one poor unsuspecting dude. And isn’t it exciting, we get to see endless fucking replays of the whole lame spectacle all on TV. Honestly, if a meteor were to plummet to Earth tomorrow and Kardash them all out of existence, I’d say it was good shooting on the part of the Gods.
6. Vic Fucking Toews. This man literally does not know the value of money. He’s perfectly willing to throw $2 billion in taxpayer dollars on the funeral pyre of common sense in this land. Which is ironic when you consider how much less of it the gun lobby has stuck in his pockets over the years. Neither does he know the value of a crime-fighting tool. Which is even more ironic when you consider that he’s the Harper Government™’s “minister of public safety”. How does a man so fucking stupid manage to rise so high in this country? Intestinal gas must make a better propellant than I thought.
7. Rob Fucking Ford. Big Bully can’t take a joke? Even in absentia? I feel sorry for his receptionist, I really do.
8. Harold Fucking Camping. He’s “embarrassed” to have gotten the date of the Rapture wrong TWICE now? I say quit while you’re ahead, and get out of the prophecy business. Also, give refunds to those you’ve defrauded with this BS. It’s the Christian thing to do!
9. Ann Fucking Coulter. Once again, the Coultergeist demonstrates how totally-not-racist she is…by praising the Republican Uncle Toms (all three of them) for the tremendous amount of courage it takes to suck a rich white dick. And by using a possessive pronoun in relation to said Uncles (“our blacks”). And by refraining from saying the N-word, even though anyone with an eye can see she’s just DYING to. PS: And she doubles down. Which is good for another wank.
10. Michele Fucking Bachmann. You know you stink when a shitty Jeebus-freak hate-rocker (and Axl Rose douche-alike) tells you so. And publicly bails on you.
11. Rick Fucking Perry. Suddenly, I know where the phrase “shit-eating grin” comes from. I just wonder who supplied him with all that shit.
12. Peter LaFucking Barbera. Homos are fascist! No, wait, homos are communist! The Religious Reich is being persecuted by evil people who are calling them out on their shit! Help, help, they’re being oppressed by homofascistcommunistunbelievers!!!
13. and 14. Nicholas Fucking Modrich and Jamie Fucking Hughes. Not content to drop acid all by themselves, they invited their newly rescued pound pooch, Oscar the Dachshund, along for the trip. But poor Oscar, scared shitless by all the pretty colors (or whatever it is dogs see while under the influence of LSD), wasn’t going to sit around vegging with them; he took off. Which seems a perfectly natural thing to do when your humans have Teh Crazee, no? But alas, poor Oscar didn’t survive his psychedelic misadventure; he got hit by a car and killed. Bad trip? Yeah, you could kind of say that.
15. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. And now we get down to the real definition of “bunga-bunga”: underage sex trafficking. And hideous facelifts that don’t improve when orange pancake makeup is slapped all over them.
16. Marta Fucking Martinez. No black trick-or-treaters? What, does she think they’re gonna soap her windows because she’s racist, or something?
17. John Fucking Derbyshire. Sexual harassment isn’t real? Phew, that’s a relief. I guess I’ve just been imagining all those dirty old men who’ve made my life such a bloody minefield ever since I hit puberty (in my case, around age 10). And hey, isn’t that just bully for THIS dirty old man, too? Now he doesn’t have to take responsibility for ogling all those underage boobies, which he calls “bristols” (Sarah Fucking Palin’s daughter must have given him such a boner, on the basis of her name alone). And that’s not even touching his “racism is not a real thing either” racism, which is as unattractive as his old white face. Denial…it ain’t no river in Egypt, Cleo.
18. Vyron Fucking Turner. Y’know, most almost-famous people would be grateful that photographers showed up to their concert and gave them some publicity. Guess it doesn’t count for shit, though, unless some gratuitous violence and misogyny get thrown in. Because hey, why be merely famous for a trifling thing like music when you can be infamous for being a complete and pluperfect fucking shitball?
19. Dick Fucking Black. My gosh, what an appropriate first name. Nighties mean spousal rape isn’t rape? I guess now is as good a time as any to reveal that I’m a pajama person. Don’t know what secret spousal signal that’s supposed to send, but off-the-deep-end crazy shit like this makes me SO glad to be single.
20. William Fucking Adams. I fail to see how a vicious belt-whipping could NOT be as bad as it looks. Or, judging from his disabled daughter’s screams, as bad as it sounds.
21. Jennifer Fucking Harris. Yeah, being unfriended on Facebook is quite a bummer. But since when is it grounds for committing ARSON?
22. The Fucking Chicago Board of Trade. For contributing to the litter problem at Occupy Chicago, as if the protesters didn’t have enough to do just cleaning up after themselves. Yeah, McJobs are just what those 99%ers all need, eh? Actually, even Mickey D isn’t hiring, and even if he were, he would find them all to be massively overqualified for a minimum-wage job that will NEVER furnish anyone with a living wage. And that, too, is part of the problem. Not the solution, no matter what you out-of-touch fucking 1%ers “think”.
23. Joe Fucking Walsh. Sure must be nice to be a conservative — or rather, a professional hypocrite. How else does a fucking deadbeat dad get recognition for his “family values”?
24. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Oh, you FUX Snooze bullies, ganging up on a transgendered 7-year-old. Didn’t your parents or teachers ever tell you to pick on someone your own fucking size?
25. Larry Fucking Taylor. Um, dude? Jew is not a verb.
26. Michele Fucking Bachmann. You gotta feel for the woman; she’s become a sideshow-within-a-sideshow, and she doesn’t appear to realize it. (Or anything else, for that matter.) Her party is crumbing into pitiful piles of idiocy all around, and there she is, still harboring higher political ambitions. Denial, Cleo!
27. Kathleen Fucking McKinley. Closets are for clothes, not gay kids. How about addressing a few words to the parents of the BULLIES who drive gay teens to suicide, telling them to keep THEIR little bratlings’ nasty vicious impulses in check? Is it too much to ask of you to deal with the problem of BULLYING from the proper angle? Oh yeah, I forgot…you’re some right-wing fundie ditzburger who proudly proclaims she’s reverse-cowgirling Jesus. If I were Jesus, I’d sue you for defamation of character. And tell you to shove your politically-ignorant, victim-blaming “sparkle” back up the orifice from whence it came.
28. Howie Fucking Carr. And while we’re on the subject of victim-blaming, I really, REALLY hope you get mugged, so I can blame you for flaunting your fat fucking wallet.
29. Daniel Fucking Avila. No, the devil does NOT make you gay. And nice attempt at deflection there, too.
30. Robert Fucking Schuller. Forget what Jesus said about giving up worldly excesses and helping the poor. Your church is bankrupt, and therefore you NEED your fucking limo. More than fucking EVER, man!
31. John Fucking Hagee. I always find it amusing how these preacher-men all think allowing same-sex marriage will lead to man-on-dog marriage. Or polygamy. Which, for whatever this is worth, was actually practised in the Old Testament, and ought therefore to meet this fundie fucker’s wholehearted approval…if he were at all consistent.
32. Rick Fucking Santorum. I do so hope that this will be his last political hurrah, not to mention his last term in elected office at any level. Because Man-on-Dog Fetus Fetish McButt-Ooze is so full of Teh Crazy that he is now threatening to become its Typhoid Mary, and in politics, that can only be a BAD thing.
33. Jesse Fucking Ventura. Alerta, Mexico…arrogant flouncy gringo hothead, INCOMING!
34. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Sorry, Pigman, but fat old racist white guys who make a fucking fortune off their RACIST shit don’t get to define what racism is. They do, however, get a magnificent and well-deserved ass-kicking from Lawrence O’Donnell. Who doesn’t own the “race card” (it doesn’t exist) but who DOES own your sorry, corpulent backside. (Watch the video. It is extremely satisfying.)
35. Mariah Fucking Yeater. When your real baby-daddy doesn’t want to own up to his part in the whole mess you’re in, shoot, why not go for the biggest target you think you can hit? I hope the Fucking Bieb does submit a DNA sample, if only to prove that he had nothing to do with your sad drama. As though we couldn’t already guess that he probably doesn’t shoot anything but blanks yet anyway. Oh, and thanks a lot for wasting so much airtime and column space this week. There’s simply no escaping the fuckery, and believe me, I TRIED. Between this and the Fucking Kardashian Klan, I feel as though my brains were being slowly sucked out my eye-sockets.
And finally, to “Philippe” the fucking gun nut, who can neither read, nor write, nor comprehend, yet presumes to lecture me on my “ignorance” about restricted murder weapons which, thanks to Stephen Fucking Harper and his fellow merry semliterates, are about to become UNrestricted. If this is who wants the “freedom” to galumph all over the landscape armed to the eyeballs with semi-autos and worse, Bog fucking help us all. Canada is about to be terrorized by the Hardcore Stupid fuckwits. (I’d better go hone my knife-throwing skills, eh?)
Goodnight, and get fucked!