this was a long time coming. in a city like toronto where so many people tend to use the “well let’s see how/where things go approach to negotiating and crafting poly relationships”, i definitely don’t see me getting a lot of positive feedback for writing it. whatever. feedback and external validation can be such tools of oppressive disempowering control.
so, i inserted a version of this into my okc profile as it stands…
“if you’re reading this because you’re interested in one of the sister wives you should know that i have been in active conversation with them, fully participating in them locating other lovers…with seminalson for the better part of ten years, with martialarborist for almost two years.
this has not always been easy, fun or comfortable for me, but i work at compersion and accommodation as i prefer to be involved rather than to observe nonchalantly in a disengaged fashion from the periphery.
i actually bring up conversations re: potential fuck buddies, activity partners, solid good friend supports and long term possibilities with them on a regular basis.
hehehe…in fact, if you’re a cute, sweet, interesting fe/male okc denizen (of whatever age) and i’ve visited your profile, it’s fairly certain that i’ve pointed you out to one or both of them and tried to encourage them to make contact with you.
but, please realize: when it comes to new (self) introductions they both tend to be lax to the point of indifference, more relying chance meetings than on intentional connections in places like okc.
this is me saying: if you’re reading this and you’re super interested in one of them, you actually stand a better chance of making connection with them by understanding us as a fairly intertwined/interdependent three, rather than as three people who happen to pass time hanging out together until something better comes our way.
so yeah…i’m One of Three who spends the most time online and definitely most time on okc. so, hailing me will usually automatically get their attention as i tell the two of them about everyone i encounter online and real time. 🙂
(shrug) i know some people will not be able to take in this information. 🙂 at least i tried.
in any case, i’d love it if interested men (as in the case of martialarborist) and wimmin (for both of them) were (pro) feminist, anarchist (leaning), queer (positive), people of colour/black (friendly/conscious) and relationship/family/poly friendly…or at least goodhearted, not overly fixated in having solely one-on-one time alone, able to make friends with children, able to interact with me in a way that (at least) says you have not defined me as dispensable and/or as someone to move through in order to get closer to one (or both) of them (which is so transparent) and please, be okay with getting your hands dirtied with the occasional chore in or around the house as shit happens in a five person family home. 🙂
fyi:
i have veto.
they do not.i know that for many people a poly woman having veto over anything seems so horrifying, soooo…scandalous. 🙂
i also know that for some wimmin being able to trumpet that they have no veto, don’t believe in vetoes, wouldn’t bring veto power into play for any reason, seems like a good poly marketing strategy.
it isn’t.
from where i’m standing saying you don’t have veto just sounds like you won’t tell a partner no. it just lets potentials know that you have no boundaries whatsoever and will accommodate anything and anyone as long as they will spend time with you, sleep with you, pay attention to you, define you as kewl and/or love you.
anyone who has read my profile or who has met me in recent years knows that i do have boundaries and will say no when/if necessary. alternative relationship lifestyle choice or no, i still live in an oppressive world where some are systemically coded as doormats for the pleasure and use of others who have massive amounts of unearned, unclaimed privilege. not remembering this very simple fact and behaving as if there is some sort of liberal alternative live and let live relationship utopia that is not impacted by oppression and domination doesn’t make sense to me. it seems a little…deluded. 😉
no good comes out of ignoring the fact that in this world a woman who does not teach herself how to apply brakes in her (multiple) relationships/interactions in respectful, verbal, intelligent, strategic, honest ways when she feels the need, will automatically be related to as prey, as the dominated to be utilized…a sexual serf. it may also mean that she finds other, less forthright, less consensual, less verbal, infinitely more excruciating ways of making her opinions, needs and wants known.
in any case…
neither seminalson nor martialarborist have ever needed to challenge anything i wanted to start or explore with anyone as my extensive criteria create a sieve through which most have never been able to filter. 🙂in addition, i tend to choose potentials according to how well they fit with my family life and with whatever lover/s or partners are already here. i most definitely choose or pass according to a person’s ability to make friends with/have conversation with/interact with/spend time with/share with seminalson and martialarborist.
compatibility isn’t just about who can get along with me. i have a life partner, a more recently added partner and two children. it would be preposterous for me to choose simply for myself. it would actually be a mess.
since neither of my partners ever get left out of my attraction/flirtation/connection equations, neither of them ever have to red flag or call for time out. i move way too slowly and intentionally, including them, asking their opinions, checking in and just generally paying attention to the energies flowing around and in between us all, for anything i do that involves someone else to every surprise them or throw them off balance.
but…
i have more experience with poly than both of them combined. so, they benefit from that safety net/support.i, on the other hand, have used my veto on very few occasions. this wasn’t because of the people they were interested in per se, but more because of what was happening in our relationship/s, in the house, in my spirit right then.
but fuck, do i ever hate saying no. so a veto from me has most often been conditional. this means that i will say no and invite lots of conversation to see if wherever things feel stuck or i feel stuck or we feel stuck or odd can budge and move in a direction that will allow for a yes either fairly soon or over time. sometimes i surprise them by coming back willing to take the lead with someone or a particular situation once things have been talked through.”
if what you’re reading here grips you, holds you, fascinates you, provokes you, emboldens you, pushes you, galvanizes you, discomfits you, tickles you, enrages you so much that you find yourself returning again and again…then link me.
