The economic downturn and subsequent collapse of civilized society was not welcome by most people. But for the Pesquahoddy Mustard Gas and Swine Flu Enthusiast’s Club, the collapse had been a panacea. Membership was way up, and their annual soiree, the much-anticipated Gas Masquerade actually turned a profit this year! Membership in The MonkeySphere is […]
Continue readingTag: Toulouse Le Grandfig
The Skwib: Belgium, circa 1906
Doctor Hans Christian “Liver-and-Favva-Beans” Malifico standing next to the prototype of his first business mechanical, the famous Red Juggernaut, Mark I (with claw and hook attachment). Though it would be several years before he founded Juggernaut Business Mechanicals (JBM), and at least another decade before the technology was available for his “chainsaw and boom stick […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: The Evils of Commerce
In Sohunglo, Chugoku Prefecture, (just down the road from Hiroshima) the geisha house of Okiya Yumyum made the best of a bad situation by introducing the art of contortion to their young shikomi trainees. No longer would wealthy men have to wait while their geisha tiptoed their way to the gig in their ridiculously restrictive […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: The Tradition Continues
Karl Wangsness had decided to honor his Norwegian heritage by having his own version of a Viking Funeral. The car was an admirable substitution for a longship, and he was able to fit enough food in there to see him through the journey to Valhalla. He’d also managed to procure a canister of Bovril and […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Austria, 1912
Though they outsold the proto-fascist jazz stylings of The Pillage People four-to-one, the Über-Musik Boys never quite managed to make the big time. Even though they started the whole Lederhosen Thrash scene, most of them had to take on menial jobs milking goats and persecuting small animals to make ends meet. Young Adolf, in particular, […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Beach Babes of Vision
Misunderstood Genius Greta “The Fallopian” Webcastico was ahead of her time. Not only was she the finest beach accordionist in the tri-state area, Greta was the first composer to create music designed to be played in counterpoint to the dulcet tones of molting seagulls eager to eat your French Fries. The truth was, Greta was […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Lucinda at the Laundrette of Shattered Hope
Lucinda was a dreamer. Someday, she knew that her Mom would return with the waffle iron and say she was sorry; perhaps even share her delicious recipe for Translucent Liquid Essence of Bran. She watched as Betsy came back to the Launderette of Shattered Hope, carrying a sack full of soiled turnips that she liked […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: E-nnui
Toto the Bio-Sphere Demolition-Bot wondered what it was all about. Did life really mean anything? There had to be more to existence then the senseless destruction of countless inhabited worlds at the bidding of his master, Dorothy Bunny Slippers and her noxious cohort of flying syphilitic space monkeys. Maybe it was time for Toto to […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: The love that dare not speak its name
“Oh Sergei, do you think we’ll ever escape this festering plain, this landscape of ennui and emptiness, so that we can share our love as it was meant to be shared?” “Mmphmh…mghmm…” “What Sergei? I can’t hear you through my containment suit?” “Mgnnnnn! Mgnnnn!” “Oh, I love you too Sergei. Fishheads. We’ll have fishheads! And […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Toulouse Le Grandfig: Catholic school
Jeremy went to a Catholic school, where Sister Mary Trenchbroom taught Civics and Personal Hygiene.
It’s fair to say it scarred him for life.
Alltop has also destroyed many lives. Originally published November, 2008.
The Skwib: Reassuring Fictions
In times like these, you may believe that all is well. You may enjoy watching the Olympics, eating spam, or perhaps you have many Norwegian friends. You may have the feeling that we live in the best of possible worlds. Given the possibilities, the vagaries of quantum mechanics, perhaps, you think to yourself, everything is […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Voyage’s End
February 29, 1933, Capipi Bumonsis I sense the voyage is about to come to an end. The customs agents here are strange men. Their beards are not mellow, but wild and full of strife. Oh, for a helping of soup! But there is no rest. The man with the cane spots my imagined tail, and […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Freeze the Brass…
April 12, Jungian Analysis Swollen cheeks and brass protuberances strike the crew of the Good Ship Plotkin. It is the worst outbreak of Bugler’s Mouth I’ve seen since the Great War. One by one, the crew is afflicted, and I am left alone to man the ship with “Ahoy Gregor you great walloping pederast.” Alas, […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Kiss-meat
SS Plotkin, circa. 1901 I separate the mists of time like the Great Jabber Monkey’s own cosmic speculum. The Fates glare at me as I slowly walk up the gangway: Clotho, Lachesis and Atropos. “You cannot avoid your destiny,” Clotho says to me, her sea-cap at a jaunty angle. “No,” Lachesis affirmed. “There is no […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: The English Disease
Brighton, circa. 2000 This young gent claims that his name is Dennis Travesty. Don at Prancing Fairy College. I call him Coclear Implant. Wonder at his hat. The shoes. And where, do you ask, are the monkeys in this photo? They consumed his artificial eyelashes shortly after it was snapped. And still, I travel… Next […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Onions
Shattolott City, 1932 The man who loved onions. He loved onions Loved em. Really. He loooved them. If you catch my drift. The authorities frowned on his vegetable affections, but he would not stop. I sing joy monkey monkey at his happy artifice. But in this country, I did not eat. Next Time: On the […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Amazonia
Hermitage Villas, 3000 BC I’m in the land of the Amazons. The women are giant. And cruel. They play a game called “Truncheons and Skulls” with the men. The winners levitate the unfortunate survivors; these poor devils are forced to laugh at their ignominious floating before they are consumed by carnivorous haberdashery. I weep. My […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Birdman
January 22, 1978 It appears that in the future, the world is inhabited by a strange race of bird people. I am a happy fellow indeed! Lok-laach-do is my boon companion, though he is molting. His teeth are the razors in my soup! His hat is silly! Most egregious is his mustache. And now, I […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Cochlea
January 12, 1932 Our first port of call was Buster Keaton’s inner ear. I think we have discovered why he is always falling down. He has a lovely — if transgendered — higher primate living in his cochlea. Perhaps if she . . . he. . . it. Lovely it! Did not spit so much […]
Continue readingThe Skwib: Toulouse Le Grandfig’s Summer Vacation: Departure
December 37, 1932 My voyage begins on the Ukranian Steam Ship, the Plotnik. On the first day, I met our captain. A diminutive, if stern fellow, by the name of Agamon Destroyer of Life. His constant companion was a mute who went by the name of Piffles. (Though he also answered to “Ahoy Gregor you […]
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