I had this friend who was obsessed with having a monkey tail grafted to his ass. Actually, to call him a friend is stretching the… Continue ReadingThe Monkey’s Tail, as Told by Marcel Duchamp the Day After Charles Lindbergh Landed at Le Bourget Field The post The Monkey’s Tail, as
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mark a rayner: Vanity Thy Name is Robot
By mid-century, all the grumpkins agreed: robots were the shit. Even the most hardened humano-mechanicals were aware their robotic cousins could kick their asses. And the feed stock? Don’t be ridiculous. They were so squishy. So temporary. The on…
Continue readingmark a rayner: Camusic of the Spheres
The dreams had returned, again, and no amount of coffee and cigarettes could keep their influence at bay. The ennui was crushing at times, and even talking with an outrageous French accent would not help. He thought of his days in the theatre. Oh, the …
Continue readingmark a rayner: Coda: The Skwib Goes Eerily Quiet
Usually, this is the last thing you see. Then something bad happens. The Skwib will return on June 29th. I just need to recharge my insanity suit. Until then, feel free to browse the archives, check out one of my books, or check out Alltop for other mental drivel.
Continue readingmark a rayner: Sex with Sue
“Hi there Jeremy, you’re on the air.” “Hi Sue. Long-time listener, first-time caller. I’m a big fan.” “Thanks Jeremy, what did you want to talk about?” “What if she’s not into your face?” “In what way? Kissing?” “No, like sitting on it in a way that she delivers up her
Continue readingmark a rayner: Anxious Queue
At the Skywalker Ranch, there was always a long lineup for the Princess Leia Ride, even when Stacy and her “Umbrella of Truth” was working it. Alltop would never tell a lie. Cloud City Garrison – The Portrait Sessions, originally uploaded by LukeOlsen.
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Film History 2035E: Yer Whippin’ It, Pilgrim: Critical Analysis of Devonic Headgear in Classic Hollywood Westerns
2 baffling lecture hours and a 1-hour tutorial in which your TA will try to make sense of it all This course will examine, through critical analysis of the films of Ford, Sturges, Peckinpah and Whoopzingo, the counter-temporal influences of … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Fly the Flensing Skies
In the late 1960′s Albanian Airlines’ passengers had overwhelmingly rejected their, “only a sissy needs a seatbelt,” marketing slogan. Their subsequent efforts were equally ineffective at increasing their revenues, including the following notions: no alcohol or tobacco on our flights, … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Leonides and the papier-mâché spatula
Gregorina awoke that morning feeling stranger than usual. She’d had vivid dreams of ravaging Leonides, their local butcher, with his own meat tenderizer. In the dream – or perhaps it would do her good to think of it as a … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Chariot of the Gords
As we all know, Canada is replete with Gords. Per capita, the “Great White North,” as it is known to hosers, carpetbaggers and avuncular entomographers everywhere, has the highest density of Gords of any country in the known surface world. … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Salathial Turgid, Hanging Judge
The O’Reilly Boys finally caught up with Old Judge Turgid at the Annual Pecos River Ride and Chili Jamboree. Salathial had hung their older brother Seamus “The Tinkle” O’Reilly just the year before and they were plum angry. But Old … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: A romance for the ages
It began simply. He was out on his morning rampage when he crashed through the front gates of SeaWorld. She was doing the 10 am show, trying to keep her spirits up while simultaneously pleasing her human masters and keeping … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: With Great Fez Comes Great Responsibility
Long before Giuseppe Del Balso invented cross-dimensional rift surfing, full-frontal time travel, or the pleasures of Zoot, he had many adventures, riding through the Italian countryside on his iron Dobbin. Though invented to teach children how to ride a horse, … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Snacking Cake Revenge
Muffy and Cuddles were pretty sure they had the math right, but they had a lingering worry that the explosion might ignite the Earth’s atmosphere. On the other hand, the cat was certainly never going to bother them again. No … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Greetings from Bonodminton
Research scientists from GruntWerx 3000 (The Caring Company) were thrilled to finally track down the source of the mysterious transmissions the Corporate Imperium has been receiving for centuries, proving once and for all the existence of non-human non-robotic sources of … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Cogito ergo gourd
Even when he was presented with evidence in the form of a somewhat amusing Belgian postcard, Claude refused to understand why no one took him seriously. Alltop likes gourd. Originally published March, 2010.
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Westward Ho!
Every year Jackanape’s Traveling Carnival made the arduous journey to Kamloops. The freaks preferred the train, but if none were available, a dog-cart was always an acceptable conveyance. Especially when piloted by canines with a sense style (and their own … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Indicia
Cindy Three Hats lived in a small bedroom community called Large Intestine. She had a fondness for cinnamon pain tea, inappropriate neckware, and reading from the Collected Works of Antoine Toast-mangler. Then one morning it happened: jackalope. Alltop thinks it’s … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: Hello, My Name Is Indigo Montoya
Billy was up to three packs a day, but it was okay; he was in training for the All-Tar Olympics. His coach said he was a natural, and he had several lucrative endorsements even before he won any medals. He … Continue reading →
Continue readingmark a rayner | scribblings, squibs & sundry monkey joys: The Cannon
The marketing for “The Cannon, The Ride of a Lifetime” was a tad misleading, if accurate: Hey kids, do you want to fly? Then come down to Uncle Savage’s Funzateria for Orphans and Undomesticated Children. We have the greatest ride … Continue reading →
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