(After Winning the First Post-Two-Party Presidential Election) Friends, Americans, Countrymen! Lend me your ears. I come to bury our two-party system, not praise it. I stand before you today, not as a conqueror, not as pop icon, but as your President. An American president. Now, what I say next is not said with malice, but ...
“Oh, Canada! I stand on guard for me!” Filed under: art Tagged: elxn42, parody, Stephen Harper
Never get out of the boat. Absolutely goddamn right. Unless you were going all the way. Kurtz got off the boat. He split from the whole fuckin’ program. And me? I was off the boat the same time as Kurtz. … Continue reading →
Were it not for the telltale insignia on the bottom-right of the screen, it might be hard to tell. High School Student, Teacher Applying For Same Summer Waitressing Job Recommend this Post
“Last night I had that terrible dream where I got slowly digested over a 1000 years again. I wonder what it means? But in real world — totally looking forward to the Hutt Annual BBQ this weekend. Life has been … Continue reading →
I love these alternate (more logical) endings. This one presupposes that Superman is actually pretty smart. (Which, I’m not saying he isn’t, by the way. But we all know Batman is the smart one.) Alltop loves a good black hole … Continue reading →
by Mark A. Rayner You know, I’m getting a little tired of all the snide remarks about the way I fight crime. We live in a world that has villains, and those villains have to be defeated by men with … Continue reading →
From the Book of the Blessed Pie It shall come to pass that the Pharisees of the Hut will take the Blessed Pie and unto it they shall do wicked things. They will stuff the crust with their wantonness and … Continue reading →
An Open Letter to Town Council Dear Councilors: Your town may have an emergency plan, a development plan, a health plan — it may even have a plan for how to fix the potholes (though I doubt it). But does … Continue reading →
Perfectly crumulent indeed. Alltop has trouble with t-shirts too.
Here’s a video out of small-town New Brunswick that’s gone viral, From Sussex and I Know It. The lyrics are a little hard to understand, but I’ve copied them below: * First Verse When I walk on by, cow be lookin’ like damn he fly Big piece of meat, with 1500 pounds on top of ...
In 1950, J.D. Salinger was hired by the New York City Tourist Bureau to write a jazzy and young novel about the city that never sleeps, in hopes of increasing general awareness about the city, and why it was such … Continue reading →
The Odyssey The Odyssey is a story about a homicidal maniac (Odysseus) who refuses to ask for directions. This tragic flaw, shared by many men, leads his crew to disaster. Some are eaten by monsters, some are eaten by their … Continue reading →
drooling pinheads open their stories with the weather, or a prologue fatuous knobs use the passive voice corpulent prose-pederasts use a verb other than “said” to carry dialog (and only a complete asshole would use an adverb to modify “said”) … Continue reading →
Every time he thought about the Death Star, and how he was supposed to be on duty that day, Trooper Jinglo just needed to cuddle with his dog. More pics and cutlines like this at Monkeyjoys (my Tumblr blog). Alltop was supposed to be cleaning out the garbage containers, but got held up at the ...
Pepper Spray Cop infiltrates Georges Seurat’s Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte. Harry Shearer — yes, that Harry Shearer of Simpsons and Spinal Tap fame — has immortalized UC Davis’ infamous police officer in song. Entitled Ballad of the Pepper Spray Cop, the ditty debuted on Shearer’s radio program, Le Show. I ...
Professor Albedo-9000 Frink (the Third) was justifiably proud of his invention. It had taken him nearly 300 years of his genetically enhanced life to construct the Frink Dojigger 12. (Experimental models 1-11 proved un-viable.) Using only the finest Moussorgsky rodent filaments and all the heavy element Poutinium available in the Liquid Fermentation Galaxy, he had ...
Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Charlize Theron from Between Two Ferns Alltop has sweaty thighs too.
The 80s: the underrated decade. Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Bruce Willis from Bruce Willis Alltop preferred the 70s.