Canada’s next Governor General

Prime Minister Cowboy Steve surprised many with his choice for Canada’s 36th viceregal. Calling him a man who “represents the best of Canada,” Cowboy Steve on Thursday announced David Johnston will be Canada’s next Governor General.

Johnston, a 67 year-old retired trucker was born in Miramichi, New Brunswick. He attended Louis Riel Elementary School where he graduated from Grade 8.  He has always harboured a desire to earn his high school equivalency certificate, but never quite got around to it. A teacher said she considered Johnston to be “a little bit slow”, making him a good candidate for a career in public service. Johnston is a voracious reader, holding a public library card since 2008.

Like previous Governors General, Johnston has a very good working knowledge of the French language. Childhood friend Terry Kirkpatrick remembers Johnston crossing the border into Quebec Saturday nights to buy cheap suds. “He told us tales of seeing the French peelers at the famous strip clubs in Montreal”, added Kirkpatrick.

Divorced since the age of 52, Johnston has relied on the kindness of strangers, including a Saint John prostitute named Sylvia. It was not clear at press time whether Sylvia would accompany Johnston to Ottawa to live in Rideau Hall.  Little is known of Sylvia, but police in her hometown remember her as “goodhearted” and well behaved since her last breach of probation. She sports several tattoos including the requisite tramp stamp. It is believed she has her own teeth.

Higher ups in the Conservative Party have long valued Johnston’s political experience and savvy. Johnston once wrote a letter to the editor of a local weekly newspaper, and he has voted in every federal election since accidentally spoiling his ballot in 2004.

An intrepid traveler, Johnston has visited three of the four Atlantic provinces, explaining “I were pissed off when they tells me there’s no goddamned bridge to Newfoundland.”  Johnston has taken several trips abroad to New England where he likes to visit native casinos and buy cheap smokes. Johnston follows the educational series Trailer Park Boys with great interest.
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Rahim Jaffer implicated in Guergis pregnancy

OTTAWA – At a parliamentary committee hearing, Rahim Jaffer was revealed to be the mastermind behind his wife Helena Guergis’ pregnancy. Jaffer admitted to cooking up the entire scheme when it appeared that no one else would step forward to take responsibility.

A private investigator who was tailing the couple said Jaffer and Guergis were seen leaving local seafood restaurant Busty’s together in the former cabinet minister’s riding of Simcoe-Grey. The investigator found the receipt for the restaurant tryst, which was disclosed at the hearing. The meal consisted of two dozen Malpec oysters, a bucket of Coronas on ice and eight tequila shooters. The couple declined dessert, saying they had to go home and “feed the kitty“.

Committee members promised to have Jaffer back to answer more questions. “We’d like to know more about why they were in such a hurry to leave” added chairperson Guy L’érectile. “Everybody stays for karaoke on Thursdays, and I understand Rahim does a spot-on Marie Osmond.”

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